A Long Over Due Update

Wow, yes it has been a super long time since I have last posted anything. Why? Well, because I have been busy and have had a lot going on in my life. Since my last post, I had weekly counseling sessions that in the end seemed to be a complete waste of my time as the only thing the counselor was doing was confirming and agreeing with my feelings and feeding me the same 'remedies' that I have already been doing for the last 2 years. Sorry but distancing myself from other pregnant women is what I've been trying to do all along. *insert eye roll here* So needless to say I was finding more support and more of an outlet through my blog then I did with her. Next!

Endocrinologist.....met up with him, and all seemed wonderful. He was very interested in finding out what was going on with my body. Which is great, but I already knew going in that I have PCOS, at that time it was unmanaged and I needed it managed! So, we went through the whole slew of testing because even the Endo. had doubts that I truly have PCOS because I don't fit the typical PCOS mold. I am not overweight, (although I struggle daily to maintain my current weight)  I do not have the excess facial hair growth or balding spots (yet!) on my head, or the telltale skin tags that all come along with PCOS. So I went along with the testing. Blood work shows that my testosterone levels are great (which explains why I don't have the manly facial hair going on or the hair loss) and I do not have insulin resistance. (which now explains WHY Metformin never worked for me)  My estrogen levels were super low and my FSH:LH ratio is typical of someone with PCOS. So, final diagnosis: Atypical PCOS. Remedy: go back to your primary dr for anything further, no treatment available at this time. (this was after I asked him if he could write me a Clomid script) Thanks buddy! My primary dr is the very same jackass who told me that I wouldn't find ANY dr to prescribe me Clomid. Great, back to square one! 

Between the discouraging news from my Endo. and the feeling like he was my last straw, at that point I got into the mindset that I was DONE trying. Just done. I thought of ALL of the positives of us stopping trying and just ran with it. It helped to ease the hurt I was constantly feeling. So when the questions of, "Are you guys still trying?" came up, I was able to proudly say, "Nope, I'm DONE!" Boy, I never knew what kind of response I was in for but it took me by surprise to hear from a few in real life people, that THEY were relieved! WTF!?!? Really? YOU are relieved that I have given up my journey of expanding my family? Fuck the fact that my heart is hurting, my journey in my head and heart has come to an end, without an end result and YOU are relieved? Fuck off! Some people never cease to amaze me at what they feel is 'helpful support'.

Feeling discouraged, again, I decided to bust out my one last resort dr. (my old OB, the one who I saw for prenatal care while pregnant with Emma) since I was due for my annual exam in July. I decided now that I am insured again to give him a call, now knowing that he specializes in infertility. (wish I had known this years ago!) Got an appointment set up with him, very promptly I may add, and got my annual exam done. While I was in there we discussed all of the findings since I had seen him last, including the septate uterus and PCOS Dx. I keep a copy of ALL of my dr paperwork, labs, etc with me which was handy as he was able to take a look at my 'chart' and know exactly what had taken place since our last visit. First thing he says to me after hearing about the PCOS Dx is, "Well we've gotta get you ovulating if you're ever going to get pregnant. I'm going to prescribe you Clomid." Oh my, I seriously think I heard angels sing at that very moment! That was what I had been waiting to hear for the last 4 years!!!! I questioned my septate uterus and if he felt comfortable enough prescribing me Clomid now knowing that I have that. He told me that "It is merely a piece of tissue, you will not be any higher risk then what you are already are. (I have a history of pre-term labor/birth) The only risk that it brings for you is if the baby implants on the tissue, the pregnancy wouldn't last." Now that I already knew. 

His way of monitoring me is instead of the typical ultrasounds and blood work on cycle day X, I am to continue to chart my temps and fax him my chart at CD 28, so he can read my temp charts and see if we need to up the dose for next cycle. Which means......I have FINALLY found a dr who is familiar with FAM and knows how to read charts! OH MY GOODNESS!! This is HUGE to me. I have spent the last 4+ years coming across dr's who know NOTHING about FAM (Fertility Awareness Method) let alone know how to read a chart. 

I made him very aware that I have bought Clomid from overseas and I had been taking that for my previous cycles. I was concerned with the max number of cycles one is allowed to take Clomid and how many he was prescribing me for. (even with the previous cycles of taking Clomid) He told me that he was not considering the previous Clomid use since he was not certain about its potency and quality and that we would completely disregard and not count that I had taken it before. His plan is 3 cycles of Clomid, in which I respond, then if after that no pregnancy, then we will have hubby tested. Of course, hubby is NOT fond of this but in the grand scheme of things I'd honestly prefer to have HIS test then the next on the list for me! At least his comes with some satisfaction in the end! :) 

We're now on Cycle #2 of prescribed Clomid, the first I responded to great, but not until 12 days past my last dose. My OB wants to see me ovulating 10 days or sooner past my last dose. Unfortunately due to a communication error with this current cycle, I am still on 50mgs when I was supposed to be upped to 100mgs. This has now made me doubt whether or not this cycle is going to produce anything. Once I reached the 5 days past my last dose and saw no signs of impending ovulation, I started back on the Royal Jelly that I took previous cycles. (information on that may be an upcoming post) So far, it seems to be helping! Since starting back on the Royal Jelly, my body is trying dam hard to ovulate! I think the Clomid and RJ is a great combination for me.

Ok, now you're caught up!

Here I go, ready or not

Since my last blog post I have been some what productive despite my "I'm supposed to be taking a break this cycle". I did some research on what all my insurance covers and discovered it covers seeing an Endocrinologist. I went through all the phone calls, fax this and send that, to get my referral. Just yesterday I received my phone call to set up an appointment for my consult. It is now set up for March 28th and will be an hour long appointment. I am at a loss as to what to ask, what to bring, what to suggest, etc. Before I have always been the one to educate the doctors regarding charting, how to read charts, PCOS and all in entails, etc. So now I am feeling lost going into this appointment and like I am at the mercy of this doctor. Anybody who knows my history with doctors knows I am not comfortable in that position. This is creating a lot of anxiety for me.

I also finally got my counseling appointment set up. It wasn't until after I hung up the phone from scheduling my appointment that I realized what day it falls on. March 22nd, the 3rd year anniversary of trying for our 3rd child. Just the thought of knowing how much that day is going to affect me is confirmation that I need to keep this appointment. Even though, everything in me wants to cancel the appointment for that day and just stay home in bed all day and just cry, I know that I must keep it. Of course as with any appointment I am having great deal of anxiety over this appointment too. Will I get somebody who knows nothing about secondary infertility? Will I be set up with a very fertile woman who I will do nothing but piss off with my jealousy/envy feelings? I am trying very hard to be open and subjective to counseling and what coping skills I can acquire. However, I must first feel comfortable enough to trust that person to open up to them. Otherwise that wall just comes up if I sense even in the slightest bit that that person doesn't understand or can relate to what I am going through. Luckily the next 2 weeks of work for me are the busiest they have been in years so I will have not have time to dwell on the anxiety I am feeling. 

Being busy at work HAS helped me to keep my mind off of trying to conceive, but my body has not. Of course, it's just like all those stupid comments that I have heard over the years, "It will happen when you least expect it", or the infamous "It'll happen when you quit trying." (All of those comments make me want to tell the offender to FUCK OFF!) But as luck would have it, guess what? My body IS trying to ovulate right now!!! Isn't that just MY luck?!??!?! I was trying very hard to not pay attention to anything fertility related this cycle and just go with it. But when my body decided it wanted to give this whole ovulating thing a shot, without meds to induce ovulation, how can one NOT pay attention to all the signs? I am still trying to just go with the flow, but in the back of my head I am freaking out that I may miss my one chance at a natural conception.

Obsessive or Dedicated?

As part of my healing process I have decided to make a lot of changes. I started off with putting away my thermometer for this cycle and to just go with everything. I have no intentions on charting anything this cycle and I am trying VERY hard to not even pay attention to anything fertility related. I also have been doing yoga to relieve pent up tension and I went for a walk yesterday. It would've been my first run in over 4 years but the track that I was walking had lots of ice/snow patches still and I didn't feel like setting myself up for injury. It was only 1.15 miles, but even THAT has been more movement then my body has gotten in a long while. It felt fantastic to give myself that moment of just ME time. No kids around, no husband, no work, nothing, just me and my music. I have also set myself an appointment for counseling. I know I can get myself through this funk gradually, as this is not the first time I have been here. I just want some outside support and guidance on how to cope with these feelings in the future. I don't want to be harboring ill thoughts towards any pregnant women anymore. I don't want my husband to have to ask me if I would be emotionally able to hang out with a pregnant woman right now. Although it makes me feel extremely supported in knowing that he understands my feelings and is trying hard to not set me up for anymore unwanted feelings. However, all of this makes me sound like such a heartless person. I feel ashamed knowing I have these emotions. This is why I think outside help would be great in my well being. 

Another thing I decided to do was clear out "the drawer" of everything trying to conceive and put away all my supplements, medications, and remedies I have tried over the last 3 years. I need that feeling of starting fresh. As I started cleaning out "the drawer" I was shocked and stunned to see how bad my obsession had gotten. I felt as part of realizing and facing my problem I felt I needed to document it. So, I took pictures. As I was doing so the emotions I felt was a roller coaster of emotions. First shock, then horror, that was all replaced by shame, and underneath it all I felt a sense of pride in knowing I didn't give up. I kept on trying, failed attempt after failed attempt, trying new supplements, new remedies, new ANY THING to fix my body. Sadness crept in next. I have tried for 3 YEARS, tried so many different supplements, diets, restrict this, don't do that and NOTHING has worked.

Left to right: Castor Oil, Fertomid (Clomid), B-6, Natural Progesterone Cream, Kelp, Fish Oil, Evening Primrose Oil, Mucinex, Metformin (both ER and regular I have tried), Folliculinum, B-Complex, Stinging Nettle, DCI, Aspirin, Soy Isoflavones, Calcium, Vitex. (Not pictured, Milk Thistle, Preseed or any of the teas used to help regulate my cycles)

I don't know what to say about the amount of 'stuff' I have tried. This picture really does NOT do my problem justice as these are just the OPEN bottles of supplements. I have enough overstock to supply my for the next year! I haven't even taken a picture of the teas and I probably shouldn't.

Now for the pregnancy tests. I am a former (or maybe not former at all) pee on a stick junky. I enjoy the thrill of waiting for those lines, especially since I don't even get the chance at conception but once or twice a YEAR naturally. Again, all of those roller coaster of emotions came back as I inspected each and every one of those sticks and packed them away in a trash bag. Once "the drawer" was cleaned out and I had my bag of wasted, pissed on sticks and boxes of empty packages, and torn apart digital tests there was no way that I couldn't document it. Maybe as a reminder of to not let myself get to this point again? 

View looking down into bag. What this picture doesn't show is this bag is 6" deep of used torn apart pregnancy tests and boxes.

After taking out the boxes. The bottom of the bag is lined with used, torn apart pregnancy tests, test strips and torn apart digital tests.

The upside to all of this? (I am a Libra after all, therefore, I HAVE to find some good in this.) I found 2 dollar store pregnancy tests and another Clear Blue digital. :)

Time For Some Changes

I'm finding myself slowly lifting out of this depression fog, slowly. I've had a few days of reflection, cried many tears and have made some difficult decisions. I already had plans on taking the next cycle off of Clomid, but after this funk, I have also decided to take a break, from everything. Temping, charting, anything revolving around trying to conceive, I am DONE! Not done completely, like I'm giving up my quest, because that desire to have another will never go away for me. I just need a break for my mental, emotional and physical stability. I have been at this now for almost 3 years and I NEED a break. I NEED to find ME again. I have restricted and limited myself for so long now and I need to change this. So, I started last night by having my first beer in almost a year! It tasted great too. I refuse to restrict myself from anything anymore, because it seems that in doing this I am also restricting and limiting my happiness. Yes, having a beer every once in a while feels liberating for me. I'm done limiting my foods, it's not like it made a difference on my cycles anyways. Pastas, rices, breads, milk, sugars, etc here I come! Although restricting these foods has actually made it to where I don't enjoy them anymore. I can taste the starches in pasta now and it tastes revolting to me. Sugars jack with my blood sugar levels and I get those lovely sugar crashes. Milk tastes awful to me now and I have never really been a fan of bread. I guess my diet won't be changing much. I plan on putting away my thermometer and not charting anything, only for one cycle. This will be my first cycle in about 3 years that I will be doing nothing. It's unsettling to me, but I feel for my well-being it needs to be done. My husband and I are planning a getaway, just the two of us. I won a romantic getaway off of our local radio station and it is beyond time for US to spend some quality time together. We're looking to do this in the next week or so as soon as our schedules can accommodate it. I plan on getting back into working out at least every other day. I have so much tension built up inside of me that I have knots in my shoulder muscles and I am getting daily tension headaches again. It is past time for some changes.

I'm Not Sure I Can Deal Anymore

My busted Clomid cycle has sent me spiraling down into a deep, dark depression. I am now stuck (and have been for a while) in that Depression/Anger stage of grieving. (see Stages of Grief post) I hate what I am becoming but I don't know how to change or fix it. I find myself literally hating every pregnant woman I see, hear about or encounter. 

I think my ultimate low is after one of my previous failed cycles, (last year) I had to go grocery shopping. I was in the same emotional hatred funk I am in now. I swear it was like every pregnant woman in our town decided to go shopping all at once that day. Minding my own business while grocery shopping, I looked up to see a hugely pregnant woman standing in front of me. Without even batting an eyelash I glared at her the most evil, hatred filled glare I have ever given anybody in my life. Seconds later, I moved onto the next aisle and bawled my eyes out. Who am I to judge or feel hatred towards another human being, especially one who has done nothing to me? What's to say she didn't endure her own infertility or struggle to get pregnant? Or, what if this pregnancy was a product of a sexual attack? Who am I to pass judgment just because I am hurting inside? 

I don't like what this journey has made me become. 

Don't get me wrong, I am not a hateful bitch, but instead a woman who is hurting inside. It seems as though everyone around me is getting what I want. It seems so out of my reach and it hurts me to know how others can get pregnant so easily, when I can't even ovulate regularly. It just hurts and it's not fair. Many will not understand these feelings and that is ok. You won't unless you have been here. 

I think all of these feelings have been festering inside of me and it only took several pregnancy announcements in one day (yes, 3 in one day!!) to sink me down even further. I also think these feelings have a lot to do with the fact that I am quickly approaching my 3rd year of trying for our 3rd child. That anniversary is always one that throws me into a funk. So, now that I know what caused the funk, how do I get myself out of it?

Blog Make Over

Since I am in an emotional funk right now and am trying very hard to get out of it, I thought what a better way to do that then to start with my blog. The template colors were not helping my depression one bit, so I needed something more uplifting. I think I have found something more colorful and vibrant. One step down, who knows how many more to go before I start feeling like my happy self again.

Clomid Cycle #3=Bust

*Sigh. I'm not feeling this today and don't even want to update my blog but I'm hoping it will help to get these feelings out. Remember my post of the stages of grief and how one thing can send one back into the depressive state? Well, guess where I'm back at. If you said depressed and angry, with a lot of bitterness and resentment then you have hit the nail on the head. At this point it doesn't feel like anybody can say anything right to me, because it all hurts.

Why am I feeling this way? Well because I am 98.999999% sure Clomid cycle #3 is a bust. Everything seemed to be going really well, just as it should. I got a little worried when 10 days past my last dose of Clomid I still had not ovulated. Then 11 days passed, and 12 and finally on 13 days passed my last dose, I got my temp rise that would indicate ovulation has taken place. I then got worried because we had not got enough action in to cover our bases. Once that was taken care of I felt more confident and comfortable with ovulation taking place because we had done all we could do. The rest was out of our hands. The next day another rise, and the same after that. I finally got my egg on my chart and got all excited and relieved that Clomid had worked again for me. The next day my hopes would be crushed. My temp went down a bit instead of going up. That is when I started doubting that I had ovulated at all. I gave my body the benefit of the doubt and started Natural Progesterone Cream to help boost my progesterone levels. The following days instead of my temps going up, they slowly took the downward plunge. 

I am supposedly 6 days past ovulation today even though my temps are back down to my typical pre-ovulation range. I woke up at 2:30am today so my temp doesn't count. Of course that always happens on days that I need the most accurate temp to help to decide what to do next. In my head I have not doubt that I didn't ovulate. Instead I have had what I call a "Fake Out" ovulation. Let me tell you it was probably one of the most awful ones I have had so far. So now all I can do is wait a few more days to see what my temps do next, then decide what to do next. I refilled and picked up my Provera script yesterday so I have it ready to go. If temps do not show ovulation in the next few days I will start the Provera to induce a period. I have already decided to take next cycle off of Clomid to give my body a rest. Other then that I have no game plan. I already feel lost and hopeless knowing that.

I've already had a few good cries since my realization of my fake out ovulation. Yes, I cry....alone. Then I wipe my tears, put on my game face and face the rest of the world.