5 Stages Of Grief while suffering with Secondary Infertility

Over the years I have come to the realization that trying to conceive with Secondary Infertility has its own set of emotions that are similar to grieving that happen throughout each and every cycle!!!

Hope-usually at the beginning of a cycle, when you feel that maybe, just maybe this might be a month that I will ovulate. Screw a + test at this point, ovulating first is obviously needed to get that Big Fat Positive!!
 
Uncertainty-this occurs as the weeks go by and you're still waiting to see that EWCM or the cervix to move up and start to open.

Denial-"No, this cycles not really a bust, it's just taking a while to happen."

Depression/Anger-This usually happens when you realize the the cycle is a bust, along with the MANY others before it.

Acceptance-When you accept the fact that this cycle is anovulatory and move onto the next. Thus repeats the cycle!

And of course, Envy and Jealousy are underlying feelings that stay throughout all stages of the cycle!!! Some people should know, that too much exposure to things pregnancy related, or some unsettling news from a doctor, can immediately throw you into the Depression/Anger stage and it is much tougher to get back out of that stage.

Revisiting Top Things to NOT Say To Someone Who Is Struggling With Secondary Infertility

This is a compilation of phrases that I have heard over the years of struggling and I really wish at at times I could post a banner of What NOT to Say to Someone Who is Struggling with Secondary Infertility. 

I have decided to revisit this post just as a reminder to those at there who are providing support for a loved one or friend with Secondary Infertility. I have also decided to add a recent one that I feel should make this list.

Added 4/2/12:

A couple more have recently made the list and I feel it is important for them to be recognized.
 
A general good idea if you have no issues getting pregnant would be to NOT publicly offer up an oops baby to someone who is struggling with infertility, secondary or not. If it is meant as a joke, you may need to re-evaluate your humor because I can guarantee you the one struggling will see absolutely NO humor in it.

Unless you plan on becoming a surrogate for the person struggling with infertility (again secondary or primary) do NOT wish your fertility upon someone who is struggling with their own. It only feels like a slap in the face and does nothing to help the situation.

"At least you have two healthy children... be grateful." - This statement brings out all kinds of emotions in me. First off, I interpret this statement as this person feels that I am NOT grateful for my girls. Anyone who knows me and my mothering to my daughters will know that I AM forever grateful. I realize I am BLESSED to have had not one, but two opportunities at being pregnant and birthing and raising children. I get it!! I think that is part of what makes the pain worse is that you KNOW it is possible for your body to do it, it's done it before. Why is it being so difficult now? In MY opinion and experience, this statement is usually said by someone who is struggling with Primary Infertility, and cannot begin to fathom MY magnitude of pain and grief, as I am not able to begin to understand the magnitude of hers either. Nonetheless, it hurts like hell to be told that. My advice, DON'T say that to anyone struggling with Secondary Infertility, you will do nothing for that persons morale, but you WILL succeed in making that person hate you!

"Don't worry, it'll happen when the time is right." ~ Are you kidding me? The time is right right now!

"Everything happens for a reason." ~ Really? What is the reason that I have been struggling for so long for? Is there really a reason behind that one?

"Don't stress." ~ I seriously want to do some major bodily harm when I hear that one. Ok, yeah.....sure.

"I got pregnant on my first try." ~ Well good for you, not all of us are that lucky. But thanks for rubbing it in.

"I did ________________ to get PG, Maybe you should try ____________." ~ Yeah, cause I hadn't tried that trick yet.

"You're trying to hard." ~ Well, judging by my history, I'm not just gonna fall pregnant!

Had to add this one as this was actually told to me just last night. (12/16)  after a vent I posted on what is supposed to be a support site for women strugggling to conceive. I posted (see post I'm Tired...) and actually recieved this response:

"did she say CHILDREN?  She has babies and is complaining"? Just because I have 2 children already does not make my pain any less then someone who is struggling for one. I have pain and heartache as well. I know what it feels like to have that want, that you want more then anything in the world, and it always being out of your reach. I get it! Albeit, it may not be the same heartache as someone who is struggling for one, but it is still painful. It is even more painful to reach out on a place that is supposed to be supportive and receive that type of message. Thanks for the support lady!

The following are ones I have gathered from other women who also are struggling with secondary infertility. (meaning, they had one child just fine, and now are struggling to have another) I have left the names out as to respect their privacy.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"So, what's the deal? No siblings for XXXX...that's so mean, every boy needs a brother!" -This one made me so sad.

"I bet it's because you are a vegetarian, that's why you can't get pregnant" -Oh Please!

"What are you going to do with that other bedroom now that you know you aren't having more kids" - what, like you want to rent it out? F off!

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"We're pregnant again!!!" announced by my cousin's wife pregnant with her 4th child (1st was born a few months before DS) AT MY BIRTHDAY PARTY.

"I just don't understand the big deal - all the OTHER kids in this class have siblings." when they were asked to write a story about their brother/sister in Kindergarten. He was told he could write about his dog after he told the teacher he didn't have one.

Random fertility articles left on my doorstep - like I don't already realize I'm the town freak with only ONE kid.

"So, have you given up yet?" Uh...no...

"Why did you buy a 6 bedroom house if you only have 1 kid?" Umm....we ARE still planning for more....

"What are you waiting for???" My typical answer is "God."

and my personal favorite...

"How can you possibly homeschool when you only have one child????" Umm...probably more adequately than YOU!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Can't you just not think of them as babies yet?" Referring to my MC babies (from my brother!)

"Just relax and it will happen"

"There must have been something wrong with the babies, so you are better off losing them"

"Don't try so hard"

"My husband just looks at me and I get pregnant"

"God has a plan for you"

"The baby you end up with will be the one you are meant to have" (not a mean statement, but it doesn't really help)

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The worst thing I think I have ever heard came from the mouth of a seasoned OR Nurse...I had lost my 2nd at nearly 4+ months (heart malformation) and was giving pills to induce a m/c at home...after being a shut in in my own home for 3 days (waiting for the m/c) my Drs finally scheduled a D&C a week later. It was horrible waiting, looking slighty pregnant and obviously wanting the healing to begin...the D&C was unsuccessful and I had to go in for another a few days later...As the nurse was preping me for surgery, I started to cry. She sighed loudly and said "Why are you crying"...I shrugged and said "I am sad"...she said "It's a routine surgery, it's not like they left an ARM in there or anything!" My mouth just gaped open, I had no response. To this day I think about that cold hearted statement and cringe. Awful thing is, she continued to tell me about her healthy children and how one day, when it was meant, I would be a mother too...awful woman.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Many people seem to attribute infertility with stress. "try not to think about it/relax" has been said more times than I can count. My sister thought that I should "have a few drinks to relax around THAT time". My dad suggested Valium because apparently, that's how I was conceived. My MIL said not to worry, it took her 9 months to conceive (i.e. #2 and #3 are 18mo apart).

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Oh you do not know how it is, you do not have kids"

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Maybe you just tested too early"

Said to us right after our MC, when they found out they were pregnant... "don't tell them our names, they might steal them!"
"no don't worry, we're pregnant first"

Right after my 2nd MC...
"I've had 2 MC also, don't worry 3rd time's a charm!"

And on a somewhat related note, when I told a coworker I was pregnant (she knew about my 2 other MCs), the first thing she asked was "was it planned?" before giving a "congrats"

I don't get that one at all! We had clearly been trying for a long time.

Ultrasound Follow Up Appointment

Ok, now that I have had time to marinate on yesterdays doctor's appointment and the news I received, I just might be able to update without breaking down and crying again.

Ok, where to start? My "Bicornuate Uterus" is NOT a Bicornuate but instead it is a Septate Uterus, which means that I am now a VERY, VERY high risk candidate (even more then before) IF I ever get pregnant again. I am now at a VERY high risk for miscarriages, because if a baby implants on the Septum (a piece of tissue that is separating my uterus in two, that does NOT contain blood vessels) it would not support a pregnancy and I would lose it. :( The doctor kept asking me over and over, if I'd ever had a miscarriage and as far as I know, I haven't. I did suspect one cycle I WAS pregnant, judging by extended luteal phase, the flow/severe cramps that followed, I DO suspect that I have, but can't confirm.

THEN, I asked him about the PCOS diagnosis and without a doubt, I have PCOS, with the multiple follicles on my ovaries, them being enlarged, all my other signs/symptoms, etc. So, then I asked him about getting Clomid (an ovulation inducing med) and said that I've been having the hardest time finding a doc to prescribe me Clomid, and his words were, "And you won't find one that will. With you having PCOS AND a Septate Uterus you fall into a class of VERY high risk. High risk for multiples with ovarian stimulation meds, (and my abnormal uterus won't be able to support multiples) high risk for OHSS, (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome) and high risk due to the Septum. You would have to be monitored VERY closely by a high risk OB/Gyn." :'(

My heart sank into my stomach when he told me that. He said that he works in conjunction with a few local GYN's, one of which is at the last OB/GYN practice I went to while pregnant with Emma. We discussed how expensive all that would be, especially since I am not insured and they have NO discounts for self pay people. But he said he would talk it over with the OB/GYN and see what her take is on it. I don't know if this means he will be referring me to her or if SHE could write the script, I just don't know. So, it looks like my search of a Clomid script is over. :''(

I asked him if I could discontinue the Metformin as it has been messing with my sugars drastically!! I have a feeling this doc didn't have much experience with PCOS as again he is clearing it with the OB/GYN as to if I should stop it or not. With the fact that is is drastically messing with my sugars, and hasn't done anything to help ovulation or weight loss, he thinks I should stop them. He is going to get back to me with all of this info.

He made me nervous and scared because he kept asking about miscarriages and was absolutely FLOORED that I even was able to get pregnant, twice, and carried a pregnancy (Chey was preterm) to term with the Septate Uterus. He did say that any future pregnancies would be compromised and there's a high probability that I would lose them. I really don't know if I could handle a miscarriage after all of my struggles to GET pregnant. Right now, I feel like a lost cause, reproductively. There is nobody that will be willing to take me on, with all of my high risk situations. I don't ovulate on my own, and can't get any assistance in stimulating ovulation. Fuck man, THIS IS NOT FAIR!!!!

I barely made it home before I broke down bawling. Through tears and quivering lips, I told my husband what I was told. He just held me and let me have a good cry. It's not something like this could happen to a crack whore, no, it happens to people who are good people, have stable lives, and WANT to have and love a baby. No, it happened to ME!!

I don't know where to go from here. I cannot afford all of the tests/dr fees/appointment fees/ultra sound fees it's going to take to closely monitor me while I take Clomid. Obviously, I am not/have not been ovulating on my own, so achieving pregnancy without ovulation inducing meds, is most likely not gonna happen. It hit me like a ton of bricks when he told me, "I'm sorry Laura, I don't know what else to do for you. Everyone has already done pretty much everything that CAN be done." Thanks, so now dr's can't even help me. Ugh!!!