Revisiting Top Things to NOT Say To Someone Who Is Struggling With Secondary Infertility

This is a compilation of phrases that I have heard over the years of struggling and I really wish at at times I could post a banner of What NOT to Say to Someone Who is Struggling with Secondary Infertility. 

I have decided to revisit this post just as a reminder to those at there who are providing support for a loved one or friend with Secondary Infertility. I have also decided to add a recent one that I feel should make this list.

Added 4/2/12:

A couple more have recently made the list and I feel it is important for them to be recognized.
 
A general good idea if you have no issues getting pregnant would be to NOT publicly offer up an oops baby to someone who is struggling with infertility, secondary or not. If it is meant as a joke, you may need to re-evaluate your humor because I can guarantee you the one struggling will see absolutely NO humor in it.

Unless you plan on becoming a surrogate for the person struggling with infertility (again secondary or primary) do NOT wish your fertility upon someone who is struggling with their own. It only feels like a slap in the face and does nothing to help the situation.

"At least you have two healthy children... be grateful." - This statement brings out all kinds of emotions in me. First off, I interpret this statement as this person feels that I am NOT grateful for my girls. Anyone who knows me and my mothering to my daughters will know that I AM forever grateful. I realize I am BLESSED to have had not one, but two opportunities at being pregnant and birthing and raising children. I get it!! I think that is part of what makes the pain worse is that you KNOW it is possible for your body to do it, it's done it before. Why is it being so difficult now? In MY opinion and experience, this statement is usually said by someone who is struggling with Primary Infertility, and cannot begin to fathom MY magnitude of pain and grief, as I am not able to begin to understand the magnitude of hers either. Nonetheless, it hurts like hell to be told that. My advice, DON'T say that to anyone struggling with Secondary Infertility, you will do nothing for that persons morale, but you WILL succeed in making that person hate you!

"Don't worry, it'll happen when the time is right." ~ Are you kidding me? The time is right right now!

"Everything happens for a reason." ~ Really? What is the reason that I have been struggling for so long for? Is there really a reason behind that one?

"Don't stress." ~ I seriously want to do some major bodily harm when I hear that one. Ok, yeah.....sure.

"I got pregnant on my first try." ~ Well good for you, not all of us are that lucky. But thanks for rubbing it in.

"I did ________________ to get PG, Maybe you should try ____________." ~ Yeah, cause I hadn't tried that trick yet.

"You're trying to hard." ~ Well, judging by my history, I'm not just gonna fall pregnant!

Had to add this one as this was actually told to me just last night. (12/16)  after a vent I posted on what is supposed to be a support site for women strugggling to conceive. I posted (see post I'm Tired...) and actually recieved this response:

"did she say CHILDREN?  She has babies and is complaining"? Just because I have 2 children already does not make my pain any less then someone who is struggling for one. I have pain and heartache as well. I know what it feels like to have that want, that you want more then anything in the world, and it always being out of your reach. I get it! Albeit, it may not be the same heartache as someone who is struggling for one, but it is still painful. It is even more painful to reach out on a place that is supposed to be supportive and receive that type of message. Thanks for the support lady!

The following are ones I have gathered from other women who also are struggling with secondary infertility. (meaning, they had one child just fine, and now are struggling to have another) I have left the names out as to respect their privacy.

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"So, what's the deal? No siblings for XXXX...that's so mean, every boy needs a brother!" -This one made me so sad.

"I bet it's because you are a vegetarian, that's why you can't get pregnant" -Oh Please!

"What are you going to do with that other bedroom now that you know you aren't having more kids" - what, like you want to rent it out? F off!

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"We're pregnant again!!!" announced by my cousin's wife pregnant with her 4th child (1st was born a few months before DS) AT MY BIRTHDAY PARTY.

"I just don't understand the big deal - all the OTHER kids in this class have siblings." when they were asked to write a story about their brother/sister in Kindergarten. He was told he could write about his dog after he told the teacher he didn't have one.

Random fertility articles left on my doorstep - like I don't already realize I'm the town freak with only ONE kid.

"So, have you given up yet?" Uh...no...

"Why did you buy a 6 bedroom house if you only have 1 kid?" Umm....we ARE still planning for more....

"What are you waiting for???" My typical answer is "God."

and my personal favorite...

"How can you possibly homeschool when you only have one child????" Umm...probably more adequately than YOU!!!!

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"Can't you just not think of them as babies yet?" Referring to my MC babies (from my brother!)

"Just relax and it will happen"

"There must have been something wrong with the babies, so you are better off losing them"

"Don't try so hard"

"My husband just looks at me and I get pregnant"

"God has a plan for you"

"The baby you end up with will be the one you are meant to have" (not a mean statement, but it doesn't really help)

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The worst thing I think I have ever heard came from the mouth of a seasoned OR Nurse...I had lost my 2nd at nearly 4+ months (heart malformation) and was giving pills to induce a m/c at home...after being a shut in in my own home for 3 days (waiting for the m/c) my Drs finally scheduled a D&C a week later. It was horrible waiting, looking slighty pregnant and obviously wanting the healing to begin...the D&C was unsuccessful and I had to go in for another a few days later...As the nurse was preping me for surgery, I started to cry. She sighed loudly and said "Why are you crying"...I shrugged and said "I am sad"...she said "It's a routine surgery, it's not like they left an ARM in there or anything!" My mouth just gaped open, I had no response. To this day I think about that cold hearted statement and cringe. Awful thing is, she continued to tell me about her healthy children and how one day, when it was meant, I would be a mother too...awful woman.

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Many people seem to attribute infertility with stress. "try not to think about it/relax" has been said more times than I can count. My sister thought that I should "have a few drinks to relax around THAT time". My dad suggested Valium because apparently, that's how I was conceived. My MIL said not to worry, it took her 9 months to conceive (i.e. #2 and #3 are 18mo apart).

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"Oh you do not know how it is, you do not have kids"

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"Maybe you just tested too early"

Said to us right after our MC, when they found out they were pregnant... "don't tell them our names, they might steal them!"
"no don't worry, we're pregnant first"

Right after my 2nd MC...
"I've had 2 MC also, don't worry 3rd time's a charm!"

And on a somewhat related note, when I told a coworker I was pregnant (she knew about my 2 other MCs), the first thing she asked was "was it planned?" before giving a "congrats"

I don't get that one at all! We had clearly been trying for a long time.