Here I go, ready or not

Since my last blog post I have been some what productive despite my "I'm supposed to be taking a break this cycle". I did some research on what all my insurance covers and discovered it covers seeing an Endocrinologist. I went through all the phone calls, fax this and send that, to get my referral. Just yesterday I received my phone call to set up an appointment for my consult. It is now set up for March 28th and will be an hour long appointment. I am at a loss as to what to ask, what to bring, what to suggest, etc. Before I have always been the one to educate the doctors regarding charting, how to read charts, PCOS and all in entails, etc. So now I am feeling lost going into this appointment and like I am at the mercy of this doctor. Anybody who knows my history with doctors knows I am not comfortable in that position. This is creating a lot of anxiety for me.

I also finally got my counseling appointment set up. It wasn't until after I hung up the phone from scheduling my appointment that I realized what day it falls on. March 22nd, the 3rd year anniversary of trying for our 3rd child. Just the thought of knowing how much that day is going to affect me is confirmation that I need to keep this appointment. Even though, everything in me wants to cancel the appointment for that day and just stay home in bed all day and just cry, I know that I must keep it. Of course as with any appointment I am having great deal of anxiety over this appointment too. Will I get somebody who knows nothing about secondary infertility? Will I be set up with a very fertile woman who I will do nothing but piss off with my jealousy/envy feelings? I am trying very hard to be open and subjective to counseling and what coping skills I can acquire. However, I must first feel comfortable enough to trust that person to open up to them. Otherwise that wall just comes up if I sense even in the slightest bit that that person doesn't understand or can relate to what I am going through. Luckily the next 2 weeks of work for me are the busiest they have been in years so I will have not have time to dwell on the anxiety I am feeling. 

Being busy at work HAS helped me to keep my mind off of trying to conceive, but my body has not. Of course, it's just like all those stupid comments that I have heard over the years, "It will happen when you least expect it", or the infamous "It'll happen when you quit trying." (All of those comments make me want to tell the offender to FUCK OFF!) But as luck would have it, guess what? My body IS trying to ovulate right now!!! Isn't that just MY luck?!??!?! I was trying very hard to not pay attention to anything fertility related this cycle and just go with it. But when my body decided it wanted to give this whole ovulating thing a shot, without meds to induce ovulation, how can one NOT pay attention to all the signs? I am still trying to just go with the flow, but in the back of my head I am freaking out that I may miss my one chance at a natural conception.

Obsessive or Dedicated?

As part of my healing process I have decided to make a lot of changes. I started off with putting away my thermometer for this cycle and to just go with everything. I have no intentions on charting anything this cycle and I am trying VERY hard to not even pay attention to anything fertility related. I also have been doing yoga to relieve pent up tension and I went for a walk yesterday. It would've been my first run in over 4 years but the track that I was walking had lots of ice/snow patches still and I didn't feel like setting myself up for injury. It was only 1.15 miles, but even THAT has been more movement then my body has gotten in a long while. It felt fantastic to give myself that moment of just ME time. No kids around, no husband, no work, nothing, just me and my music. I have also set myself an appointment for counseling. I know I can get myself through this funk gradually, as this is not the first time I have been here. I just want some outside support and guidance on how to cope with these feelings in the future. I don't want to be harboring ill thoughts towards any pregnant women anymore. I don't want my husband to have to ask me if I would be emotionally able to hang out with a pregnant woman right now. Although it makes me feel extremely supported in knowing that he understands my feelings and is trying hard to not set me up for anymore unwanted feelings. However, all of this makes me sound like such a heartless person. I feel ashamed knowing I have these emotions. This is why I think outside help would be great in my well being. 

Another thing I decided to do was clear out "the drawer" of everything trying to conceive and put away all my supplements, medications, and remedies I have tried over the last 3 years. I need that feeling of starting fresh. As I started cleaning out "the drawer" I was shocked and stunned to see how bad my obsession had gotten. I felt as part of realizing and facing my problem I felt I needed to document it. So, I took pictures. As I was doing so the emotions I felt was a roller coaster of emotions. First shock, then horror, that was all replaced by shame, and underneath it all I felt a sense of pride in knowing I didn't give up. I kept on trying, failed attempt after failed attempt, trying new supplements, new remedies, new ANY THING to fix my body. Sadness crept in next. I have tried for 3 YEARS, tried so many different supplements, diets, restrict this, don't do that and NOTHING has worked.

Left to right: Castor Oil, Fertomid (Clomid), B-6, Natural Progesterone Cream, Kelp, Fish Oil, Evening Primrose Oil, Mucinex, Metformin (both ER and regular I have tried), Folliculinum, B-Complex, Stinging Nettle, DCI, Aspirin, Soy Isoflavones, Calcium, Vitex. (Not pictured, Milk Thistle, Preseed or any of the teas used to help regulate my cycles)

I don't know what to say about the amount of 'stuff' I have tried. This picture really does NOT do my problem justice as these are just the OPEN bottles of supplements. I have enough overstock to supply my for the next year! I haven't even taken a picture of the teas and I probably shouldn't.

Now for the pregnancy tests. I am a former (or maybe not former at all) pee on a stick junky. I enjoy the thrill of waiting for those lines, especially since I don't even get the chance at conception but once or twice a YEAR naturally. Again, all of those roller coaster of emotions came back as I inspected each and every one of those sticks and packed them away in a trash bag. Once "the drawer" was cleaned out and I had my bag of wasted, pissed on sticks and boxes of empty packages, and torn apart digital tests there was no way that I couldn't document it. Maybe as a reminder of to not let myself get to this point again? 

View looking down into bag. What this picture doesn't show is this bag is 6" deep of used torn apart pregnancy tests and boxes.

After taking out the boxes. The bottom of the bag is lined with used, torn apart pregnancy tests, test strips and torn apart digital tests.

The upside to all of this? (I am a Libra after all, therefore, I HAVE to find some good in this.) I found 2 dollar store pregnancy tests and another Clear Blue digital. :)