As part of my healing process I have decided to make a lot of changes. I started off with putting away my thermometer for this cycle and to just go with everything. I have no intentions on charting anything this cycle and I am trying VERY hard to not even pay attention to anything fertility related. I also have been doing yoga to relieve pent up tension and I went for a walk yesterday. It would've been my first run in over 4 years but the track that I was walking had lots of ice/snow patches still and I didn't feel like setting myself up for injury. It was only 1.15 miles, but even THAT has been more movement then my body has gotten in a long while. It felt fantastic to give myself that moment of just ME time. No kids around, no husband, no work, nothing, just me and my music. I have also set myself an appointment for counseling. I know I can get myself through this funk gradually, as this is not the first time I have been here. I just want some outside support and guidance on how to cope with these feelings in the future. I don't want to be harboring ill thoughts towards any pregnant women anymore. I don't want my husband to have to ask me if I would be emotionally able to hang out with a pregnant woman right now. Although it makes me feel extremely supported in knowing that he understands my feelings and is trying hard to not set me up for anymore unwanted feelings. However, all of this makes me sound like such a heartless person. I feel ashamed knowing I have these emotions. This is why I think outside help would be great in my well being.
Another thing I decided to do was clear out "the drawer" of everything trying to conceive and put away all my supplements, medications, and remedies I have tried over the last 3 years. I need that feeling of starting fresh. As I started cleaning out "the drawer" I was shocked and stunned to see how bad my obsession had gotten. I felt as part of realizing and facing my problem I felt I needed to document it. So, I took pictures. As I was doing so the emotions I felt was a roller coaster of emotions. First shock, then horror, that was all replaced by shame, and underneath it all I felt a sense of pride in knowing I didn't give up. I kept on trying, failed attempt after failed attempt, trying new supplements, new remedies, new ANY THING to fix my body. Sadness crept in next. I have tried for 3 YEARS, tried so many different supplements, diets, restrict this, don't do that and NOTHING has worked.
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| Left to right: Castor Oil, Fertomid (Clomid), B-6, Natural Progesterone Cream, Kelp, Fish Oil, Evening Primrose Oil, Mucinex, Metformin (both ER and regular I have tried), Folliculinum, B-Complex, Stinging Nettle, DCI, Aspirin, Soy Isoflavones, Calcium, Vitex. (Not pictured, Milk Thistle, Preseed or any of the teas used to help regulate my cycles) |
I don't know what to say about the amount of 'stuff' I have tried. This picture really does NOT do my problem justice as these are just the OPEN bottles of supplements. I have enough overstock to supply my for the next year! I haven't even taken a picture of the teas and I probably shouldn't.
Now for the pregnancy tests. I am a former (or maybe not former at all) pee on a stick junky. I enjoy the thrill of waiting for those lines, especially since I don't even get the chance at conception but once or twice a YEAR naturally. Again, all of those roller coaster of emotions came back as I inspected each and every one of those sticks and packed them away in a trash bag. Once "the drawer" was cleaned out and I had my bag of wasted, pissed on sticks and boxes of empty packages, and torn apart digital tests there was no way that I couldn't document it. Maybe as a reminder of to not let myself get to this point again?
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| View looking down into bag. What this picture doesn't show is this bag is 6" deep of used torn apart pregnancy tests and boxes. |
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| After taking out the boxes. The bottom of the bag is lined with used, torn apart pregnancy tests, test strips and torn apart digital tests. |
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