My busted Clomid cycle has sent me spiraling down into a deep, dark depression. I am now stuck (and have been for a while) in that Depression/Anger stage of grieving. (see Stages of Grief post) I hate what I am becoming but I don't know how to change or fix it. I find myself literally hating every pregnant woman I see, hear about or encounter.
I think my ultimate low is after one of my previous failed cycles, (last year) I had to go grocery shopping. I was in the same emotional hatred funk I am in now. I swear it was like every pregnant woman in our town decided to go shopping all at once that day. Minding my own business while grocery shopping, I looked up to see a hugely pregnant woman standing in front of me. Without even batting an eyelash I glared at her the most evil, hatred filled glare I have ever given anybody in my life. Seconds later, I moved onto the next aisle and bawled my eyes out. Who am I to judge or feel hatred towards another human being, especially one who has done nothing to me? What's to say she didn't endure her own infertility or struggle to get pregnant? Or, what if this pregnancy was a product of a sexual attack? Who am I to pass judgment just because I am hurting inside?
I don't like what this journey has made me become.
Don't get me wrong, I am not a hateful bitch, but instead a woman who is hurting inside. It seems as though everyone around me is getting what I want. It seems so out of my reach and it hurts me to know how others can get pregnant so easily, when I can't even ovulate regularly. It just hurts and it's not fair. Many will not understand these feelings and that is ok. You won't unless you have been here.
Hugs~I know there is nothing I can say that makes it any easier or really makes you feel better. Just know your not alone and those feelings are okay. It is part of the process and your are growing from it. It can only make you stronger...though you might not feel it right now I know. Hang onto your faith and hope...don't ever let go even when it hurts!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI could have written this.... Your feelings are totally understandable to those of us who have been there. I didn't like what TTC did to me either. So much so that I haven't taken a temp in several months. And yes- I have also been to the grocery store when every 16 year old and 60 year old seemed to be pregnant! It doesn't seem fair. I cling to faith in a greater plan for me... that is all I can do. It is a hard hard road Laura. I wish I could shine a light at the end of this dark tunnel for you.... but I know from experience that all I can do for you is be here to listen and reassure you that you are not alone and that it is okay to feel the way you do. Hang in there...
ReplyDeleteMany hugs**~Amy (babyseeker)
Michelle, I think that is the BEST thing anyone can say to someone who is suffering through secondary infertility. Thank you, your words mean a bunch to me. I'm trying very hard to hold onto my hope.
ReplyDeleteAmy, thank you! Hearing that from someone who has been there and understands how I feel, is the greatest feeling. It makes me feel better just having my feelings validated, like I am not alone with these feelings. I too, have decided to put away my thermometer for a cycle. I really hope this makes a difference in my well-being.
I just now read this post, and I'm so sorry you're feeling this way :( I wish there was something I could do to help you. But I'm always here for you, if you need someone to listen or just a shoulder. Hugs and love to you!
ReplyDelete-April