What TO Say to Someone Who is Struggling with Secondary Infertility

This post is long overdue to be posted. Since I already have the "What NOT to Say" post I think it is only fitting to post What TO Say. I have been struggling with this post for the longest time but I am not completely sure why. Just to prove my point, I have started on this post 4 different times and they have been all sitting as drafts. You would think this one would just come pouring out of my head, nope, I'm just not feeling it and that bothers me. I honestly believe that this apprehension stems from fear of offending any of those who are trying very hard to provide support. It is a tough situation for everybody involved, this Secondary Infertility business, not just for the person who is struggling with it, but also for the people trying to be supportive through it all.

The simple "I'm sorry" or "I'm sorry you are having to go through this" means a bunch to me. ((Hugs)) are helpful as well. Unless the supporter has been through Secondary Infertility themselves, any of the "I understand what you are going through" mean nothing to me and I actually find them a bit condescending. They don't know a thing about what I'm going through, so just be honest about it!! So instead, I would find "I don't know what you are going through, but am here if you need to vent or whatever." to be way more supportive. To me, that statement shows honesty and support. 

Also just being willing to talk about it, even if you have not been through Secondary Infertility before. It hurts me to know that there are people who will avoid conversations simply because they're not sure what to say for fear of becoming another What NOT to Say. :) Even though I completely understand WHY the avoidance is there, it creates feelings of isolation, even more then what Secondary Infertility already brings. 

Just as with the What NOT To Say post, I asked others who have also been suffering with Secondary Infertility what helped them or what they found supportive throughout their journey. This is their responses:

 

"I agree that when people were honest and said "I don't know what you are going through, but I am truly sorry" was the best bet. I too would get frustrated when people would say, "I understand" when they clearly didn't. I guess people really don't know what to say and I don't fault them for that, but at times it was hurtful. Just all the people reassuring us that we were in their prayers and asking me how it was going helped. I didn't like the fact that some people just never ask about it because they don't know what to say. I am the type who needs to talk. But, I didn't want to always be a Debbie Downer, but I appreciated people asking; it showed that they were thinking of us."

"I liked it when people asked how I was doing, b/c I also was a talker and liked to get my feelings out. People saying they were praying for me and asked what they could do to help was also nice."

"From someone who HAS been there, "Nothing anyone can say will make anything any better and that's okay."

From a friend who wasn't able to have children regarding seeing a bazillion other pregnant women: "Just remember, God didn't steal your blessing and give it to that other person. He just blessed them." That's helped me tremendously with the jealousy of hearing about someone being pregnant.

The best thing most people can say, "I don't understand... but I'm here, and I'm praying for you."

One older lady from a Bible study I go to (after a m/c) didn't say anything... she just gave me this little tiny hand crochet baby blanket swaddled around a prayer called "A Prayer for A Baby and Its Family." She's part of a ministry at our church called Threads of Love. I knew they made baby blankets and such, but I had no clue they did things for miscarriages. When this lady gave it to me she told me "Don't open this until you get home." No words of condolence. No I'm praying for you... just this tiny little gift. I actually had no idea what was in the bag until I got home. It was a blessing to me to know how thoughtful she was, yet at the same time respected how raw I was in my grief."

So there it is. Just be there for the person with an open ear and a shoulder to cry on, don't try to pretend like you know what they're going through, and just be honest about it. That is the best support one can ask for.