Isn't that how it always goes?

Just when I give up all Hope, my body plays a cruel trick just so it can say, "Neener neener, gotcha!" As of my last blog post, ovulation was unclear as my temps are just not as they used to be. Usually I have a fallback rise, where one temp goes over the coverline, the next day it falls back down, then the following day it spikes up and stays up. So imagine how confusing it is when your body decides to switch things up on you and do a slow rise. Slow rises are just that, they slowly rise, usually .1 degree for a few days, THEN you see a temp spike. As seen in my chart above. Now the beginning of this cycle was full of pain, TMJ pain, headaches/migraines and even more pain. That is why all of those temps are X'd out. So it wasn't until I disturbed those temps and added my positive Ovulation Predictor Kit result, that I got confirmation of ovulation.

Having ovulated now changes the game plans. I faxed my charts to my doctor on Cycle day 28, as per his request and he confirmed ovulation has taken place when my chart says it did. I am now to ride out the rest of this luteal phase and wait for my period. If no period, then of course proceed with a pregnancy test and we'll go from there. If I do start then I will call back and we will bump up my dose to 150mgs. I questioned that dose as usually Clomid is bumped up by 50mg increments, and I am currently on 50mgs. Which led to an interesting conversation. 

Last cycle there was a miscommunication problem which led me to taking 50mgs, instead of the 100mgs my doctor wanted me at. So we proceeded with that cycle. So when this cycle came to be and it was time for my next Clomid round, I was kept at 50mgs, since I ovulated, although later then what is typical with Clomid. When I got to the pharmacy this time, they tried giving me 100mgs, in which I explained that no I was supposed to have 50mgs. (deja vu of the second go round) It was fixed with the pharmacy and I got my 50mgs. I left the store and immediately called my dr to confirm, yep 50mgs. So when the nurse told me we were bumping it up to 150mgs, that is why. In their system they have me as having taken 100mgs these last two cycles! Hopefully this will be the end of this communication issue and we all are now on the same page.

Game plan now is, 100mgs of Clomid cycle days 3-7 and hope for the best! My husband is actually off the hook for his semen analysis this cycle as my doctor first wants me to get ovulating earlier, so we can have a chance at conception. That bummed me out honestly. I was so hoping to sit this cycle out!! I wanted the pressure to be off of me, just for one month. I wanted to live carefree and not have to piss on sticks, check when I most fertile and hope hubby has enough energy to be able to perform when the time is needed. *Sigh I will keep pushing further, but something inside of me is shouting, "I just want to be done!!!!"

Redbook's No Shame Campaign Infertility Awareness

It is refreshing to see more and more people "coming out" about their infertility struggles. Below are just a few videos of the many that have been submitted by celebrities, women and men discussing their struggles with infertility. Since infertility is such an isolating experience, it is a fantastic feeling (as much as it can be knowing others are struggling and hurting as much as you are) that you are not alone in the feelings and emotions that come with infertility.

http://www.redbookmag.com/infertility-video-series/#v1212312917001

A husband's perspective of Male Factor Infertility.

http://www.redbookmag.com/infertility-video-series/#v1223230329001
Another husband's perspective of infertility.  

http://www.redbookmag.com/infertility-video-series/#v1212096718001

MANY great points in this video and tips to be a great support for someone suffering with Infertility.

http://www.redbookmag.com/infertility-video-series/#v1212096718001
I personally can relate to A LOT of the struggles that this woman has gone through.

http://www.redbookmag.com/infertility-video-series/#v1223222300001

Sherri Shepherd keeps her humor while sharing her struggles with infertility. 

To watch more videos and submit your own, you can go HERE.

Well, well, well.....

isn't that how the cookie crumbles? Since my last post I did decide to give Clomid another try and all seemed to be going well. It appeared as though I was gearing up to ovulate, just like clockwork. (MY clock work anyways) That was, until it was time for the temp shift, and there was no rise. Not even a tiny one, nope, instead my temp went down. So did my level of Hope. Each day I have been waiting for my temp to shoot up and with each passing day I am getting more and more discouraged. I am now on cycle day 24, 17 days past my last Clomid dose. I need to get out of my denial stage and face the music that this cycle is a bust. Even with my apprehensions of wanting to move forward with this cycle, I was still hoping to have at least half a chance. Not this time. So plan is at this point to wait this cycle out for a few more days in which I will then fax my charts to my dr, he will determine if I ovulated or not (but at this point it doesn't even take an experienced chart reader to know I haven't) and I will without a doubt, have to start Provera to induce a period. Next cycle I am sitting it out!!!! I need a break, a break emotionally, from artificial hormones in my body and time for all of these hormones to LEAVE my body. My husband is now going to get to experience just a bit of what I have gone through in the last 3 and a half years! Testing!!! (haha, love you baby!) He is very reluctant of any testing, so I know this is going to be like pulling teeth from a gator. Although what he doesn't realize is, this test won't be painful one bit. Oh no, far from that actually! His test actually involves pleasure, go figure! At this point, after hubby's sperm analysis, I don't know where we will be going after that. The game plan was to do 3 cycles of Clomid, in which I ovulate (we have 2 out of 3, so a good start???) then if no pregnancy we will have hubby tested. So, it is all a guessing game of where we will be going next, until I talk with my doctor in 4 days. I have a feeling this was my last cycle on Clomid before we turn to Femara. I have major apprehensions about Femara and pursuing further infertility meds and costs. I guess we will cross that bridge once we get here. In the meantime, I am just passing the time until I find out my next steps.

Just let me be sad for a moment

Another cycle down, another failed attempt at getting pregnant. I'm actually surprised that I ovulated at all this cycle and if it wasn't for the Royal Jelly supplementation midway through my cycle, I probably wouldn't have. My temps were extremely slow to rise this time so it wasn't until I was already 8 days past ovulation that my chart looked like I had ovulated. Pretty sweet when you want that two week wait to fly by. Except now it has led me to a whole bunch of feelings. Feelings of, I don't want to do this anymore. I am tempted to NOT call my dr this morning to get another Clomid script, but instead to just put my journey behind me. It is too painful at times to want to continue this month after month, year after year. 

I dislike that I am feeling this way, almost defeated, right at a time that I have FINALLY found a dr willing to work with me. What the hell?!?! The game plan was to do 3 cycles of Clomid, responding to the Clomid by ovulating (which so far I have) then if no pregnancy then we will have hubby tested. Since we know the problems lie within me, I see that as a wasted test, but if it will help to rule some things out, by all means. I have just lost my mojo to go any further in my journey. 

We (hubby and I) have discussed putting our journey on a time frame, and if no pregnancy by then, then we will just accept our fate and move on knowing we have had the opportunity to raise two wonderful, intelligent girls. I'm pretty sure we decided on 33 being the magic number for us. Being I just celebrated my 32nd birthday, that leaves us a year to conceive. I'm brought back to those feelings of, there is NO way my well being will be able to do this for another year. Hell, I don't know if I could handle another cycle of this roller coaster of emotions, heartache, let downs, etc. But there is that nagging desire within me that says, keep on going, you can do this.

A Long Over Due Update

Wow, yes it has been a super long time since I have last posted anything. Why? Well, because I have been busy and have had a lot going on in my life. Since my last post, I had weekly counseling sessions that in the end seemed to be a complete waste of my time as the only thing the counselor was doing was confirming and agreeing with my feelings and feeding me the same 'remedies' that I have already been doing for the last 2 years. Sorry but distancing myself from other pregnant women is what I've been trying to do all along. *insert eye roll here* So needless to say I was finding more support and more of an outlet through my blog then I did with her. Next!

Endocrinologist.....met up with him, and all seemed wonderful. He was very interested in finding out what was going on with my body. Which is great, but I already knew going in that I have PCOS, at that time it was unmanaged and I needed it managed! So, we went through the whole slew of testing because even the Endo. had doubts that I truly have PCOS because I don't fit the typical PCOS mold. I am not overweight, (although I struggle daily to maintain my current weight)  I do not have the excess facial hair growth or balding spots (yet!) on my head, or the telltale skin tags that all come along with PCOS. So I went along with the testing. Blood work shows that my testosterone levels are great (which explains why I don't have the manly facial hair going on or the hair loss) and I do not have insulin resistance. (which now explains WHY Metformin never worked for me)  My estrogen levels were super low and my FSH:LH ratio is typical of someone with PCOS. So, final diagnosis: Atypical PCOS. Remedy: go back to your primary dr for anything further, no treatment available at this time. (this was after I asked him if he could write me a Clomid script) Thanks buddy! My primary dr is the very same jackass who told me that I wouldn't find ANY dr to prescribe me Clomid. Great, back to square one! 

Between the discouraging news from my Endo. and the feeling like he was my last straw, at that point I got into the mindset that I was DONE trying. Just done. I thought of ALL of the positives of us stopping trying and just ran with it. It helped to ease the hurt I was constantly feeling. So when the questions of, "Are you guys still trying?" came up, I was able to proudly say, "Nope, I'm DONE!" Boy, I never knew what kind of response I was in for but it took me by surprise to hear from a few in real life people, that THEY were relieved! WTF!?!? Really? YOU are relieved that I have given up my journey of expanding my family? Fuck the fact that my heart is hurting, my journey in my head and heart has come to an end, without an end result and YOU are relieved? Fuck off! Some people never cease to amaze me at what they feel is 'helpful support'.

Feeling discouraged, again, I decided to bust out my one last resort dr. (my old OB, the one who I saw for prenatal care while pregnant with Emma) since I was due for my annual exam in July. I decided now that I am insured again to give him a call, now knowing that he specializes in infertility. (wish I had known this years ago!) Got an appointment set up with him, very promptly I may add, and got my annual exam done. While I was in there we discussed all of the findings since I had seen him last, including the septate uterus and PCOS Dx. I keep a copy of ALL of my dr paperwork, labs, etc with me which was handy as he was able to take a look at my 'chart' and know exactly what had taken place since our last visit. First thing he says to me after hearing about the PCOS Dx is, "Well we've gotta get you ovulating if you're ever going to get pregnant. I'm going to prescribe you Clomid." Oh my, I seriously think I heard angels sing at that very moment! That was what I had been waiting to hear for the last 4 years!!!! I questioned my septate uterus and if he felt comfortable enough prescribing me Clomid now knowing that I have that. He told me that "It is merely a piece of tissue, you will not be any higher risk then what you are already are. (I have a history of pre-term labor/birth) The only risk that it brings for you is if the baby implants on the tissue, the pregnancy wouldn't last." Now that I already knew. 

His way of monitoring me is instead of the typical ultrasounds and blood work on cycle day X, I am to continue to chart my temps and fax him my chart at CD 28, so he can read my temp charts and see if we need to up the dose for next cycle. Which means......I have FINALLY found a dr who is familiar with FAM and knows how to read charts! OH MY GOODNESS!! This is HUGE to me. I have spent the last 4+ years coming across dr's who know NOTHING about FAM (Fertility Awareness Method) let alone know how to read a chart. 

I made him very aware that I have bought Clomid from overseas and I had been taking that for my previous cycles. I was concerned with the max number of cycles one is allowed to take Clomid and how many he was prescribing me for. (even with the previous cycles of taking Clomid) He told me that he was not considering the previous Clomid use since he was not certain about its potency and quality and that we would completely disregard and not count that I had taken it before. His plan is 3 cycles of Clomid, in which I respond, then if after that no pregnancy, then we will have hubby tested. Of course, hubby is NOT fond of this but in the grand scheme of things I'd honestly prefer to have HIS test then the next on the list for me! At least his comes with some satisfaction in the end! :) 

We're now on Cycle #2 of prescribed Clomid, the first I responded to great, but not until 12 days past my last dose. My OB wants to see me ovulating 10 days or sooner past my last dose. Unfortunately due to a communication error with this current cycle, I am still on 50mgs when I was supposed to be upped to 100mgs. This has now made me doubt whether or not this cycle is going to produce anything. Once I reached the 5 days past my last dose and saw no signs of impending ovulation, I started back on the Royal Jelly that I took previous cycles. (information on that may be an upcoming post) So far, it seems to be helping! Since starting back on the Royal Jelly, my body is trying dam hard to ovulate! I think the Clomid and RJ is a great combination for me.

Ok, now you're caught up!

Here I go, ready or not

Since my last blog post I have been some what productive despite my "I'm supposed to be taking a break this cycle". I did some research on what all my insurance covers and discovered it covers seeing an Endocrinologist. I went through all the phone calls, fax this and send that, to get my referral. Just yesterday I received my phone call to set up an appointment for my consult. It is now set up for March 28th and will be an hour long appointment. I am at a loss as to what to ask, what to bring, what to suggest, etc. Before I have always been the one to educate the doctors regarding charting, how to read charts, PCOS and all in entails, etc. So now I am feeling lost going into this appointment and like I am at the mercy of this doctor. Anybody who knows my history with doctors knows I am not comfortable in that position. This is creating a lot of anxiety for me.

I also finally got my counseling appointment set up. It wasn't until after I hung up the phone from scheduling my appointment that I realized what day it falls on. March 22nd, the 3rd year anniversary of trying for our 3rd child. Just the thought of knowing how much that day is going to affect me is confirmation that I need to keep this appointment. Even though, everything in me wants to cancel the appointment for that day and just stay home in bed all day and just cry, I know that I must keep it. Of course as with any appointment I am having great deal of anxiety over this appointment too. Will I get somebody who knows nothing about secondary infertility? Will I be set up with a very fertile woman who I will do nothing but piss off with my jealousy/envy feelings? I am trying very hard to be open and subjective to counseling and what coping skills I can acquire. However, I must first feel comfortable enough to trust that person to open up to them. Otherwise that wall just comes up if I sense even in the slightest bit that that person doesn't understand or can relate to what I am going through. Luckily the next 2 weeks of work for me are the busiest they have been in years so I will have not have time to dwell on the anxiety I am feeling. 

Being busy at work HAS helped me to keep my mind off of trying to conceive, but my body has not. Of course, it's just like all those stupid comments that I have heard over the years, "It will happen when you least expect it", or the infamous "It'll happen when you quit trying." (All of those comments make me want to tell the offender to FUCK OFF!) But as luck would have it, guess what? My body IS trying to ovulate right now!!! Isn't that just MY luck?!??!?! I was trying very hard to not pay attention to anything fertility related this cycle and just go with it. But when my body decided it wanted to give this whole ovulating thing a shot, without meds to induce ovulation, how can one NOT pay attention to all the signs? I am still trying to just go with the flow, but in the back of my head I am freaking out that I may miss my one chance at a natural conception.

Obsessive or Dedicated?

As part of my healing process I have decided to make a lot of changes. I started off with putting away my thermometer for this cycle and to just go with everything. I have no intentions on charting anything this cycle and I am trying VERY hard to not even pay attention to anything fertility related. I also have been doing yoga to relieve pent up tension and I went for a walk yesterday. It would've been my first run in over 4 years but the track that I was walking had lots of ice/snow patches still and I didn't feel like setting myself up for injury. It was only 1.15 miles, but even THAT has been more movement then my body has gotten in a long while. It felt fantastic to give myself that moment of just ME time. No kids around, no husband, no work, nothing, just me and my music. I have also set myself an appointment for counseling. I know I can get myself through this funk gradually, as this is not the first time I have been here. I just want some outside support and guidance on how to cope with these feelings in the future. I don't want to be harboring ill thoughts towards any pregnant women anymore. I don't want my husband to have to ask me if I would be emotionally able to hang out with a pregnant woman right now. Although it makes me feel extremely supported in knowing that he understands my feelings and is trying hard to not set me up for anymore unwanted feelings. However, all of this makes me sound like such a heartless person. I feel ashamed knowing I have these emotions. This is why I think outside help would be great in my well being. 

Another thing I decided to do was clear out "the drawer" of everything trying to conceive and put away all my supplements, medications, and remedies I have tried over the last 3 years. I need that feeling of starting fresh. As I started cleaning out "the drawer" I was shocked and stunned to see how bad my obsession had gotten. I felt as part of realizing and facing my problem I felt I needed to document it. So, I took pictures. As I was doing so the emotions I felt was a roller coaster of emotions. First shock, then horror, that was all replaced by shame, and underneath it all I felt a sense of pride in knowing I didn't give up. I kept on trying, failed attempt after failed attempt, trying new supplements, new remedies, new ANY THING to fix my body. Sadness crept in next. I have tried for 3 YEARS, tried so many different supplements, diets, restrict this, don't do that and NOTHING has worked.

Left to right: Castor Oil, Fertomid (Clomid), B-6, Natural Progesterone Cream, Kelp, Fish Oil, Evening Primrose Oil, Mucinex, Metformin (both ER and regular I have tried), Folliculinum, B-Complex, Stinging Nettle, DCI, Aspirin, Soy Isoflavones, Calcium, Vitex. (Not pictured, Milk Thistle, Preseed or any of the teas used to help regulate my cycles)

I don't know what to say about the amount of 'stuff' I have tried. This picture really does NOT do my problem justice as these are just the OPEN bottles of supplements. I have enough overstock to supply my for the next year! I haven't even taken a picture of the teas and I probably shouldn't.

Now for the pregnancy tests. I am a former (or maybe not former at all) pee on a stick junky. I enjoy the thrill of waiting for those lines, especially since I don't even get the chance at conception but once or twice a YEAR naturally. Again, all of those roller coaster of emotions came back as I inspected each and every one of those sticks and packed them away in a trash bag. Once "the drawer" was cleaned out and I had my bag of wasted, pissed on sticks and boxes of empty packages, and torn apart digital tests there was no way that I couldn't document it. Maybe as a reminder of to not let myself get to this point again? 

View looking down into bag. What this picture doesn't show is this bag is 6" deep of used torn apart pregnancy tests and boxes.

After taking out the boxes. The bottom of the bag is lined with used, torn apart pregnancy tests, test strips and torn apart digital tests.

The upside to all of this? (I am a Libra after all, therefore, I HAVE to find some good in this.) I found 2 dollar store pregnancy tests and another Clear Blue digital. :)