5 Stages Of Grief while suffering with Secondary Infertility

Over the years I have come to the realization that trying to conceive with Secondary Infertility has its own set of emotions that are similar to grieving that happen throughout each and every cycle!!!

Hope-usually at the beginning of a cycle, when you feel that maybe, just maybe this might be a month that I will ovulate. Screw a + test at this point, ovulating first is obviously needed to get that Big Fat Positive!!
 
Uncertainty-this occurs as the weeks go by and you're still waiting to see that EWCM or the cervix to move up and start to open.

Denial-"No, this cycles not really a bust, it's just taking a while to happen."

Depression/Anger-This usually happens when you realize the the cycle is a bust, along with the MANY others before it.

Acceptance-When you accept the fact that this cycle is anovulatory and move onto the next. Thus repeats the cycle!

And of course, Envy and Jealousy are underlying feelings that stay throughout all stages of the cycle!!! Some people should know, that too much exposure to things pregnancy related, or some unsettling news from a doctor, can immediately throw you into the Depression/Anger stage and it is much tougher to get back out of that stage.

Revisiting Top Things to NOT Say To Someone Who Is Struggling With Secondary Infertility

This is a compilation of phrases that I have heard over the years of struggling and I really wish at at times I could post a banner of What NOT to Say to Someone Who is Struggling with Secondary Infertility. 

I have decided to revisit this post just as a reminder to those at there who are providing support for a loved one or friend with Secondary Infertility. I have also decided to add a recent one that I feel should make this list.

Added 4/2/12:

A couple more have recently made the list and I feel it is important for them to be recognized.
 
A general good idea if you have no issues getting pregnant would be to NOT publicly offer up an oops baby to someone who is struggling with infertility, secondary or not. If it is meant as a joke, you may need to re-evaluate your humor because I can guarantee you the one struggling will see absolutely NO humor in it.

Unless you plan on becoming a surrogate for the person struggling with infertility (again secondary or primary) do NOT wish your fertility upon someone who is struggling with their own. It only feels like a slap in the face and does nothing to help the situation.

"At least you have two healthy children... be grateful." - This statement brings out all kinds of emotions in me. First off, I interpret this statement as this person feels that I am NOT grateful for my girls. Anyone who knows me and my mothering to my daughters will know that I AM forever grateful. I realize I am BLESSED to have had not one, but two opportunities at being pregnant and birthing and raising children. I get it!! I think that is part of what makes the pain worse is that you KNOW it is possible for your body to do it, it's done it before. Why is it being so difficult now? In MY opinion and experience, this statement is usually said by someone who is struggling with Primary Infertility, and cannot begin to fathom MY magnitude of pain and grief, as I am not able to begin to understand the magnitude of hers either. Nonetheless, it hurts like hell to be told that. My advice, DON'T say that to anyone struggling with Secondary Infertility, you will do nothing for that persons morale, but you WILL succeed in making that person hate you!

"Don't worry, it'll happen when the time is right." ~ Are you kidding me? The time is right right now!

"Everything happens for a reason." ~ Really? What is the reason that I have been struggling for so long for? Is there really a reason behind that one?

"Don't stress." ~ I seriously want to do some major bodily harm when I hear that one. Ok, yeah.....sure.

"I got pregnant on my first try." ~ Well good for you, not all of us are that lucky. But thanks for rubbing it in.

"I did ________________ to get PG, Maybe you should try ____________." ~ Yeah, cause I hadn't tried that trick yet.

"You're trying to hard." ~ Well, judging by my history, I'm not just gonna fall pregnant!

Had to add this one as this was actually told to me just last night. (12/16)  after a vent I posted on what is supposed to be a support site for women strugggling to conceive. I posted (see post I'm Tired...) and actually recieved this response:

"did she say CHILDREN?  She has babies and is complaining"? Just because I have 2 children already does not make my pain any less then someone who is struggling for one. I have pain and heartache as well. I know what it feels like to have that want, that you want more then anything in the world, and it always being out of your reach. I get it! Albeit, it may not be the same heartache as someone who is struggling for one, but it is still painful. It is even more painful to reach out on a place that is supposed to be supportive and receive that type of message. Thanks for the support lady!

The following are ones I have gathered from other women who also are struggling with secondary infertility. (meaning, they had one child just fine, and now are struggling to have another) I have left the names out as to respect their privacy.

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"So, what's the deal? No siblings for XXXX...that's so mean, every boy needs a brother!" -This one made me so sad.

"I bet it's because you are a vegetarian, that's why you can't get pregnant" -Oh Please!

"What are you going to do with that other bedroom now that you know you aren't having more kids" - what, like you want to rent it out? F off!

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"We're pregnant again!!!" announced by my cousin's wife pregnant with her 4th child (1st was born a few months before DS) AT MY BIRTHDAY PARTY.

"I just don't understand the big deal - all the OTHER kids in this class have siblings." when they were asked to write a story about their brother/sister in Kindergarten. He was told he could write about his dog after he told the teacher he didn't have one.

Random fertility articles left on my doorstep - like I don't already realize I'm the town freak with only ONE kid.

"So, have you given up yet?" Uh...no...

"Why did you buy a 6 bedroom house if you only have 1 kid?" Umm....we ARE still planning for more....

"What are you waiting for???" My typical answer is "God."

and my personal favorite...

"How can you possibly homeschool when you only have one child????" Umm...probably more adequately than YOU!!!!

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"Can't you just not think of them as babies yet?" Referring to my MC babies (from my brother!)

"Just relax and it will happen"

"There must have been something wrong with the babies, so you are better off losing them"

"Don't try so hard"

"My husband just looks at me and I get pregnant"

"God has a plan for you"

"The baby you end up with will be the one you are meant to have" (not a mean statement, but it doesn't really help)

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The worst thing I think I have ever heard came from the mouth of a seasoned OR Nurse...I had lost my 2nd at nearly 4+ months (heart malformation) and was giving pills to induce a m/c at home...after being a shut in in my own home for 3 days (waiting for the m/c) my Drs finally scheduled a D&C a week later. It was horrible waiting, looking slighty pregnant and obviously wanting the healing to begin...the D&C was unsuccessful and I had to go in for another a few days later...As the nurse was preping me for surgery, I started to cry. She sighed loudly and said "Why are you crying"...I shrugged and said "I am sad"...she said "It's a routine surgery, it's not like they left an ARM in there or anything!" My mouth just gaped open, I had no response. To this day I think about that cold hearted statement and cringe. Awful thing is, she continued to tell me about her healthy children and how one day, when it was meant, I would be a mother too...awful woman.

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Many people seem to attribute infertility with stress. "try not to think about it/relax" has been said more times than I can count. My sister thought that I should "have a few drinks to relax around THAT time". My dad suggested Valium because apparently, that's how I was conceived. My MIL said not to worry, it took her 9 months to conceive (i.e. #2 and #3 are 18mo apart).

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"Oh you do not know how it is, you do not have kids"

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"Maybe you just tested too early"

Said to us right after our MC, when they found out they were pregnant... "don't tell them our names, they might steal them!"
"no don't worry, we're pregnant first"

Right after my 2nd MC...
"I've had 2 MC also, don't worry 3rd time's a charm!"

And on a somewhat related note, when I told a coworker I was pregnant (she knew about my 2 other MCs), the first thing she asked was "was it planned?" before giving a "congrats"

I don't get that one at all! We had clearly been trying for a long time.

Ultrasound Follow Up Appointment

Ok, now that I have had time to marinate on yesterdays doctor's appointment and the news I received, I just might be able to update without breaking down and crying again.

Ok, where to start? My "Bicornuate Uterus" is NOT a Bicornuate but instead it is a Septate Uterus, which means that I am now a VERY, VERY high risk candidate (even more then before) IF I ever get pregnant again. I am now at a VERY high risk for miscarriages, because if a baby implants on the Septum (a piece of tissue that is separating my uterus in two, that does NOT contain blood vessels) it would not support a pregnancy and I would lose it. :( The doctor kept asking me over and over, if I'd ever had a miscarriage and as far as I know, I haven't. I did suspect one cycle I WAS pregnant, judging by extended luteal phase, the flow/severe cramps that followed, I DO suspect that I have, but can't confirm.

THEN, I asked him about the PCOS diagnosis and without a doubt, I have PCOS, with the multiple follicles on my ovaries, them being enlarged, all my other signs/symptoms, etc. So, then I asked him about getting Clomid (an ovulation inducing med) and said that I've been having the hardest time finding a doc to prescribe me Clomid, and his words were, "And you won't find one that will. With you having PCOS AND a Septate Uterus you fall into a class of VERY high risk. High risk for multiples with ovarian stimulation meds, (and my abnormal uterus won't be able to support multiples) high risk for OHSS, (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome) and high risk due to the Septum. You would have to be monitored VERY closely by a high risk OB/Gyn." :'(

My heart sank into my stomach when he told me that. He said that he works in conjunction with a few local GYN's, one of which is at the last OB/GYN practice I went to while pregnant with Emma. We discussed how expensive all that would be, especially since I am not insured and they have NO discounts for self pay people. But he said he would talk it over with the OB/GYN and see what her take is on it. I don't know if this means he will be referring me to her or if SHE could write the script, I just don't know. So, it looks like my search of a Clomid script is over. :''(

I asked him if I could discontinue the Metformin as it has been messing with my sugars drastically!! I have a feeling this doc didn't have much experience with PCOS as again he is clearing it with the OB/GYN as to if I should stop it or not. With the fact that is is drastically messing with my sugars, and hasn't done anything to help ovulation or weight loss, he thinks I should stop them. He is going to get back to me with all of this info.

He made me nervous and scared because he kept asking about miscarriages and was absolutely FLOORED that I even was able to get pregnant, twice, and carried a pregnancy (Chey was preterm) to term with the Septate Uterus. He did say that any future pregnancies would be compromised and there's a high probability that I would lose them. I really don't know if I could handle a miscarriage after all of my struggles to GET pregnant. Right now, I feel like a lost cause, reproductively. There is nobody that will be willing to take me on, with all of my high risk situations. I don't ovulate on my own, and can't get any assistance in stimulating ovulation. Fuck man, THIS IS NOT FAIR!!!!

I barely made it home before I broke down bawling. Through tears and quivering lips, I told my husband what I was told. He just held me and let me have a good cry. It's not something like this could happen to a crack whore, no, it happens to people who are good people, have stable lives, and WANT to have and love a baby. No, it happened to ME!!

I don't know where to go from here. I cannot afford all of the tests/dr fees/appointment fees/ultra sound fees it's going to take to closely monitor me while I take Clomid. Obviously, I am not/have not been ovulating on my own, so achieving pregnancy without ovulation inducing meds, is most likely not gonna happen. It hit me like a ton of bricks when he told me, "I'm sorry Laura, I don't know what else to do for you. Everyone has already done pretty much everything that CAN be done." Thanks, so now dr's can't even help me. Ugh!!!

Take the Pledge!RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association

Please, show your support, follow the link and take the pledge to help raise awareness for Infertility.

Take the Pledge!RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association

Ultrasounds, Tests and Results...Oh My!!

I know it has been awhile since I have last updated, but between life, dr's appointments, death in the family, computers dying,......sigh, it's been alot!

So, I have had my TSH (Thyroid Stimulating Hormone) tested and even though my symptoms all point to HYPOthyroid, (too MUCH) it came back on the low end of normal, .53, but would indicate HYPERthyroidism. (too LITTLE) So, we're not treating it, but instead will monitor it and have it rechecked in a few months.

My old doctor retired, :'( and I finally got my appointment with the new practice. There are several MD's within this practice and I saw a NP. (Nurse Practioner) WTF?!?! So pretty much all she did is confirm 1) that I don't want to go back to HER, 2)my 5 months waiting to get seen was waste of time. I wanted lab work ran, like all of my hormones, etc. She completely dismissed it as being too expensive. I asked for Clomid, she said it is out of her scope of practice and that I would have to see an OB or a fertility specialist. I DID however get an ultrasound to SEE what is going on inside there and a script for Provera so I can induce AF, instead of going months and months without one.

My ultrasound....very interesting stuff. Kidneys and liver look good. Uterus is tilted, which I already knew. What I didn't know is that I have a Bicornuate Uterus. Which means, instead of my uterus being round and smooth at the top, mine is separated into two chambers and looks like a heart. WTH?!?! All of these years, and I had NO idea that I had that. My right horn (as the radiologist kept calling it) is much bigger then the left, and she said most likely is the one that "homed" both of my girls. Isn't it pretty?

The heart shaped object in the center is my uterus. The right horn is much bigger then the left due to that is where both of my girls hung out during their stays. Notice the deep separation, separating my uterus into two, making it much smaller then a normal uterus.

The scary part about a Bicornuate Unterus is, it can cause miscarriages, if the baby implants on the smaller side. It may not be an early miscarriage either. It could cause growth restriction problems, (due to no space to grow) and cause a late term miscarriage, preterm births and breech babies. Interesting thing is, my oldest daughter was born 8 weeks preemie and was breech and we never had a reason as to why!! She was breech throughout the whole pregnancy, and now I know why!! She didn't have any room to turn head down!! Of course this revelation now makes any future pregnancies high risk and will have to be closely monitored for growth problems and proper placement.

Ovaries are enlarged, but not too much so, and are COVERED in immature follicles. So much so, she didn't even count how many. So, this pretty much confirms it, PCOS (PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome) it is. There was no fibroids or ovarian cysts, so that is good.

As far as I know, next step in PCOS protocol since I'm already on Metformin (for insulin resistance) is either Birth Control Pills (if NOT Trying To Conceive) to try to shrink the cysts or Clomid to induce ovulation. I feel like I am hitting a brick wall with getting the Clomid though. I have seen 2 different docs in the last 6 months hoping to get a script for Clomid, but both have said it is out of their scope of practice. Why is it so difficult to get a script for it, when it is so obvious it is what I NEED?

I WANT to get in to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist, but the nearest one to me is OVER 3 hours away, one way. That and since I am not insured, everything is out of pocket for me. At this point, we're just not prepared to go into debt to get my body figured out. I did a search the other day for OB's in my area who specialize in infertility and there was 1 that popped up. Coincidentally, it was MY last OB!! :) So, if this doc I'm seeing in August can't help me any further, I guess I will be making an appointment with my old OB.

So the game plan is as follows. I am on CD 84, still no ovulation and on my 9th day of 10, of Provera to induce a period. After AF leaves, on CD 10 I will be taking one dose of Folliculinum, and again waiting (and crossing fingers) for ovulation.

Meds/Herbals for next cycle: 

Vitamin D, 2,000 iu/day

Calcium, 1,000 mg/day

Metformin, 500 mg/BID

Liquid B Complex 1/day

Kelp, 325 mg/day

Fish Oil, 300 mg/day

Folliculinum, CD 10 only

Provera, *if no Ovulation, CD's 35-45

Happy Birthday to my princess-Emma's Birth Story

I always reminisce on my girls' births on their birthday. I have never written them out, so this will be all from my recollections.

Emma's Birth-May 14th, 2007

Around 1 am I woke up and felt wet down below and thought maybe it was just sweat. Went pee and fell back asleep. My husband was supposed to go to work that day, so when I woke up at 7, feeling wet again, I told him I think my water broke, but I wasn't sure. For whatever reason, I did not believe it, because it was not a steady trickle or a huge gush like it was when Chey's broke. I told him don't worry, go ahead and go to work, I'll be fine. I went and stood in Emma's room staring at her crib all set up and just waiting for a baby to fill it. Then I had another gush, although just a small one. Lance suggested maybe calling my doctor and seeing what they said, as he knew how quick my last labor was (2 hours 22 min.from time water broke to time she was delivered) and didn't want to risk anything. 

I called my doctor and got his nurse, Becky, whom I LOVED, even though week after week she inflicted major pain on me by injecting me with Progesterone shots, in hopes of keeping me from delivering preterm as I did with Chey. It worked apparently!! Becky said she advises all patients who have any sort of wetness like that to go into Triage at the Birthing Center and get checked out. My heart skipped a beat for a minute when I realized that today might be the day that I have our baby. We had had all the bags ready to go since I was 32 weeks, for fear that I would deliver early and I wanted to be prepared. Everything any laboring mother could ever need. 

In my hubby's bag was massage oils, cameras, 1 digital camera, 1 35mm film camera with MANY rolls of film and extra batteries, tennis balls in case I got back labor again and hubby could massage my back with them, snacks in case he got hungry, massaging gadgets, and I believe a change of clothes for him. In my bag was several changes of clothes, all the toiletries I would need, makeup and hair accessories because I knew lots of pictures would be taken and I wanted to look good for them, relaxing cd's to listen to, Chey's PSP for entertainment, sudoku books with plenty of pens, my birth plan, plenty of clean panties and pads for after the birth. Emma's bag was her diaper bag full of diapers, her going home outfit, several outfits, sleepers, her baby book, with a stamp pad because for some reason I thought they would need it to stamp her footprints into her baby book (keep in mind my last delivery was 11 years prior and was VERY traumatic and FAST!!)  and her boppy pillow so I could breast feed comfortably in the hospital. You think we had enough stuff? We (and when I say we, I mean Lance, :)) gathered up all the bags into the car while I did the last minute running around. I had to make sure my hair and makeup were done, teeth were brushed, tea was made and took one last look at Emma's empty crib and thought this will be the last day it will be empty. We headed off to the hospital.

I wasn't really having any contractions, not any that I felt anyways. Since I was high risk for preterm labor and have been having contractions since 28 weeks, I didn't feel anything worse then what I had already been feeling. Part of me was still in denial that my water had broke. Got to triage, and laid down on the bed, allowing amniotic fluid to pool so they could check it and see if it was in fact my water that had broken. I was handed a hospital gown and told to put it on, despite my birth plan which stated that I wanted to labor and birth in my own clothes. I went along with it as she hooked me up to the monitors to check baby's heartbeat and monitor contractions. She left for a while, and came back a bit later to confirm that my water had in fact broken and they would be keeping me. At that time she did a quick ultrasound and we discovered that Emma was sunny side up, which is not an optimum birthing position as they're supposed to be face towards the floor not up facing momma. I knew immediately that with her being sunny side up, that it would mean difficulties in pushing her out. After the nurse left, my mother in law came in. I'm not sure at what point my husband had called her but she was the most excited I have ever seen her. We filled her in on the news that today would be the day. We also asked her if she could go pick Chey up from school as she wanted to there for the birth of her first sibling. She did as we got moved into our labor/birthing room. 

Hanging out waiting for contractions to start.

As we got in the birthing room, I was informed that Pitocin would have to be started since it had been so long since my water had broken and I was still not having any contractions. I immediately felt like dread had taken over. I did not want Pitocin or any other drugs or interventions for that matter. Hell, I didn't even want an IV in my arm but was informed by my doc that they would need to have the heploc in there just in case something came up, so they would not have to fumble around with it while I was in labor. Hesitantly I went along with the IV and Pitocin. It took 4 attempts and a life flight nurse to come in and attempt an IV. I tried telling them that my veins like to roll or collapse, but I guess they needed to find out for themselves. Pitocin was started at 9:23.

Since we had left all the bags in the car, Lance took the time to run down and get them all, as well as my birthing ball. I knew I wanted to labor on it as long as possible to help bring Emma down into the birth canal. Shift change took place and I got a new nurse. I went over my birth plan with her and when she read the part about me wanting to labor in my own clothes she asked me why I was in a hospital gown then. I told her I was told to put it on. She told me that I didn't have to wear it and could wear what I felt comfortable in, so I out my clothes back on. I knew I was gonna like this nurse!! We went over paper work and the whole no pain med paper work. I did not want any and she knew that but informed me that if I signed the paper work declining pain meds that it would also mean IF I had to have a c-section, that it would mean no pain meds for that either. So I stipulated on the paper work, epi only in case of an emergency c-section. 

This nurse knew that Emma was sunny side up and had me get into a position where I was on all fours on the bed with my torso draped over the birth ball, so that Emma could turn and get into prime birthing position. I had my mother in law, my best friend Daleyne, my daughter Cheyenne, and of course my husband all in the room with me. We were all sitting around talking, laughing, watching tv, doing crossword puzzles and just having a good time. We all took guesses at how big Emma would be at birth, I had guessed 6 lbs 7 oz and Lance's guess was 7 lbs 6 oz. I still was not feeling any contractions, despite them showing up on the monitors. I was extremely grateful for Daleyne as she was taking pictures of it all. The nurses pretty much left us alone the whole time only to come in to turn up the Pitocin. Since they had started an IV drip and was giving me extra fluids as well, I was constantly having to pee. So, Lance would help me unhook all the wires, drape them over my neck and help me walk into the bathroom. 

Lance holding the monitors in place so we could still see if I was contracting and how Emma was tolerating them.

Around 3:15, after my latest bathroom trip, I laid down in the bed, kinda bored and started to play Chey's PSP, and at that point I had actually felt my first contraction. Lance had stepped outside to smoke, and I remember thinking man, I wish he was here right now. Lance's mom had gone home earlier to check on her husband and to get a bite to eat. I couldn't concentrate on the game I was playing so I put it down on my lap. Chey asked me if that one was a good one and I told her yes. Then Lance came back in and I had to make yet another bathroom trip. As I got back into the bed, my water started gushing BAD!! I whispered to him, it won't stop pouring out. 

At 3:30 the contractions started for real. The nurse came in and told me baby wasn't tolerating them to well and that I should lay on my right side. When that happened, the contractions came right on top of each other and all I could do was grab a hold of the railing and hold on tight. Lance was behind me and started rubbing my back, in which I asked him to stop, that it was bothering me. He did, without any hard feelings. The nurse was explaining to me me this is what they called coupling contractions where they are right on top of each other. I was getting NO break from them. She started fidgeting with the monitors on my belly which was pissing me off so I slapped her hand away and told her don't touch me. I was profusely sweating at this time and hoping that it would be over soon. 

When I was in triage I was dilated to 2 and had not had any cervical checks after that so I had no clue where I was at at that point. All of a sudden I felt the overwhelming urge to push and made it loud and clear that I was pushing. The nurse and Lance both said, no don't push!! I said I can't help it, I have to push!! Then everything became so rushed!!! Cheyenne and Daleyne stepped outside as I didn't feel comfortable with my daughter seeing that side of me. The doctor came in and quickly gowned up, and him and Lance rolled me over onto my back and took off my pants. Dr Weeks, kept telling me not to push. I could hear that frantic sound in Lance's voice as he cradled my head in his arms and whispered in my ear, "Baby, PLEASE don't push!" His voice settled me a bit but the urge was still there. I was given the ok to go ahead and push, but was then told to slow it down as he didn't want me to tear. I gave one more steady push, a very loud scream and Emma was delivered. Time of birth, 4:00pm, just 30 minutes after contractions started. 

No tears, no epsiotomy, and a very healthy baby girl who weighed....6 lbs 7 oz, and 19 inches long!!! Momma knows best!! Part of my birth plan was to let the cord stop pulsing before clamping and cutting but since everything happened so quick at the end, the dr was not informed of that request of mine and immediately clamped the cord and had Lance cut it. It was such an amazing sight to see Lance bonding with Emma. Chey and Daleyne came back in and we all took turns holding her and ooh'ing and ahh'ing over her. Chey helped out with the bath but was so scared to touch her for fear she would hurt her. The nurse was great in helping her overcome her fears. Nana missed the birth but came back in time to shed a few tears and cuddle with her newest granddaughter.

Hard to believe this was three years ago today. I relive it every year on her birthday and cannot be more proud to have Emma as my daughter.

I HATE MY BODY!!!

That title pretty much says it all. Cycle day 27, still no ovulation, and spotting/bleeding has been taking place since cycle day 15. I am so frustrated at my body, but what is new right? Why can my body not do the ONE thing it was designed to do? My ovaries must've missed the memo or something. It doesn't seem fair to not have a fair chance at trying to conceive when you don't even ovulate!!! More and more I am wanting to try Clomid to make my body ovulate, if it even will then. I feel like I am almost at my wits end as far as where to turn next. I feel defeated, tired, fed up, lost, and unsure of myself and all the work I have done in the last 2 years to conceive our next child. I just want to scream, cry and go hide until my body can get it right. It's just not fair!!!!!!!!!!!! I.Hate.My.Body!!!!!!