Many have recently heard of me ridding any and all baby items from my house. If you haven't, well I am. Technically, according to my husband, I was supposed to have been ridding everything baby from the house for 2 years now. Well, hubby wants the baby items gone, I am hanging onto them for that slim chance that I will get pregnant again and have a use for them. The time has come for us to do a huge Spring clean on our house and we have a dump pile growing each day to be taken to the landfill. All of the baby items made it in there. Why? Because they have been taking up space for 5 years! So hubby said that if they are not gone by Wednesday they're going to the dump.
Gotta love Facebook and the wide spread of people it can reach. Within 10 minutes I had my first lot sold. Posted a 2nd lot of items, my whole stash of cloth diapers being in that lot. Now, I started buying these cloth diapers so I would be prepared for our next child, I could do the eco-friendly diapering with this one from birth to potty training, etc. So these were like gold to me, I would not even let anyone think about buying these from me. The mere thought would send me into an emotional state. I posted those cloth diapers without ANY emotion. That is how I knew I was making the right choice.
That is how I know I AM making the right choice. I have decided that I am ending my journey. Why now? Because next month (in two weeks exactly) I am supposed to be doing one more round of Femara, my final round, THE LAST round before doctors decide that my journey has come to an end. I want to be the one ending my journey for myself, not doctors, not meds, but ME. This is my journey after all.
I am content with this decision. Extremely content. Anybody who knows me or my journey knows this has been one hell of a roller coaster ride, but more importantly, one hell of a journey learning so much about myself. I do not feel like I have any regrets about my journey or my decision to end it. I have tried all there is to try, natural and fertility med wise, including both Eastern & Western remedies. I have had the lovely experience of Ovarian HyperStimulation Syndrome (OHSS), cysts rupturing, Metformin that left me sick for a full year, and more meds/supplements than anyone my age should be taking. I have also had the lovely experience of meeting some fantastic doctors, some shitty doctors and even more shitty doctors. I have met some wonderful ladies that have provided me with the best support, hugs and virtual shoulders to cry on. I have learned A LOT about my body, my conditions, and what to expect down the road with them all.
I am fine. No, this time I do not have to keep reminding myself of this. I REALLY am fine with this decision. I am ready to move on with my life. For the last 4.5 years (yes, it really has been THAT long this time) I feel like I have been in a pit of quick sand. No matter what I do, I feel like I am sinking deeper and deeper, yet the more I fight and struggle to free myself, the deeper I sink and still end up going nowhere. I'm still stuck in that pit of quick sand and I want out. I'm getting out!
I have goals already set for myself, ones that would require me to NOT be pregnant and I am looking forward to achieving those goals. See You're Doing What? post if you need filled in on what I am doing. A short little summary, I am competing in a Bikini and Physique Competition. (think body building meets sexy curvy bodies, and you compete!) I also have been working with a photographer taking risque outdoor nude/semi-nude boudoir'ish type of pics. Again another goal that would be ideal to do not feeling big and pregnant. (although I would LOVE to take pics of this nature hugely pregnant but for this goal at this time, a curvy NON-Pregnant body is ideal!)
My heart does not hurt right now and not one tear has been shed. I think the time has finally come that I can honestly say, I am done, and mean it.
*Now for all of those that still have Hope or think that me ending my journey now is the missing link that will jinx us, let me put this out there. My body DID just spontaneously ovulate on its own, so there IS that possibility right now. That being said, it will be no heartbreak for me if the mean old witch shows in a couple weeks. NONE!*
I hope it is okay that I am (not-so-secretly) hoping that this cycle is the surprise that you have been waiting for. Plus, if it just so happens that you end up with some fantastic news this cycle or whenever, please know that I would be happy to host an online baby shower. So go ahead and purge like crazy, Laura!
ReplyDeleteI hope you don't take this comment as me not supporting you, because I completely am. I just have this personal fault where I can't stop cheering and barfing baby dust everywhere I go. LOL Please don't go disappearing on us!
That is funny Maria that you are secretly hoping this is my surprise cycle. In the back of my head I can't help but to think, now watch, after I decide to end my journey, THIS will be the cycle that I get pregnant. Why? Because I'd be finally ready to move on, AND have gotten rid of all of the last of the baby items. THAT would be our luck. LOL But, is that shitty luck to have? Hell no! I'd still embrace it with open arms and gladly accept any and all online baby showers that anyone would be willing to throw for me! ;)
DeleteI have no ill feelings towards you or any other person who secretly wishes this is my cycle. There's loads like you that can't help but to keep that glimmer of Hope alive. Me, I could easily go either way.
These last few cycles have left me questioning a lot in my journey. I am content where I am at right now in my life. I have awesome adventures to look forward to. And in 13 years my husband and I will be empty nesters and can do our world wide traveling we have been looking forward to, just us two. I'm ready for this next chapter in our lives!
As I've already told my FB group of TTC'ers, my plan is still to be supportive of you all, I just won't be actively TTC anymore. I'll still give cycle updates but my heart/goal won't be stuck adding a new addition to our family.
I am happy to see you're able to move on to the next step in your lives. Wow, still young and able to go and do as you want while you can. I'm proud of you for trying any and all the things that you needed to do to get to this point in your lives.
DeleteIt is so good to see you content in the things your life has handed you. Love you my friend.
I know where you are. I wish to be there someday.
DeleteGood Luck with your competition!