The Time Has Come to Clear the Air

Many have recently heard of me ridding any and all baby items from my house. If you haven't, well I am. Technically, according to my husband, I was supposed to have been ridding everything baby from the house for 2 years now. Well, hubby wants the baby items gone, I am hanging onto them for that slim chance that I will get pregnant again and have a use for them. The time has come for us to do a huge Spring clean on our house and we have a dump pile growing each day to be taken to the landfill. All of the baby items made it in there. Why? Because they have been taking up space for 5 years! So hubby said that if they are not gone by Wednesday they're going to the dump. 

Gotta love Facebook and the wide spread of people it can reach. Within 10 minutes I had my first lot sold. Posted a 2nd lot of items, my whole stash of cloth diapers being in that lot. Now, I started buying these cloth diapers so I would be prepared for our next child, I could do the eco-friendly diapering with this one from birth to potty training, etc. So these were like gold to me, I would not even let anyone think about buying these from me. The mere thought would send me into an emotional state. I posted those cloth diapers without ANY emotion. That is how I knew I was making the right choice.

That is how I know I AM making the right choice. I have decided that I am ending my journey. Why now? Because next month (in two weeks exactly) I am supposed to be doing one more round of Femara, my final round, THE LAST round before doctors decide that my journey has come to an end. I want to be the one ending my journey for myself, not doctors, not meds, but ME. This is my journey after all. 

I am content with this decision. Extremely content. Anybody who knows me or my journey knows this has been one hell of a roller coaster ride, but more importantly, one hell of a journey learning so much about myself. I do not feel like I have any regrets about my journey or my decision to end it. I have tried  all there is to try, natural and fertility med wise, including both Eastern & Western remedies. I have had the lovely experience of Ovarian HyperStimulation Syndrome (OHSS), cysts rupturing, Metformin that left me sick for a full year, and more meds/supplements than anyone my age should be taking. I have also had the lovely experience of meeting some fantastic doctors, some shitty doctors and even more shitty doctors. I have met some wonderful ladies that have provided me with the best support, hugs and virtual shoulders to cry on. I have learned A LOT about my body, my conditions, and what to expect down the road with them all.

I am fine. No, this time I do not have to keep reminding myself of this. I REALLY am fine with this decision. I am ready to move on with my life. For the last 4.5 years (yes, it really has been THAT long this time) I feel like I have been in a pit of quick sand. No matter what I do, I feel like I am sinking deeper and deeper, yet the more I fight and struggle to free myself, the deeper I sink and still end up going nowhere. I'm still stuck in that pit of quick sand and I want out. I'm getting out!

I have goals already set for myself, ones that would require me to NOT be pregnant and I am looking forward to achieving those goals. See You're Doing What? post if you need filled in on what I am doing. A short little summary, I am competing in a Bikini and Physique Competition. (think body building meets sexy curvy bodies, and you compete!) I also have been working with a photographer taking risque outdoor nude/semi-nude boudoir'ish type of pics. Again another goal that would be ideal to do not feeling big and pregnant. (although I would LOVE to take pics of this nature hugely pregnant but for this goal at this time, a curvy NON-Pregnant body is ideal!)

My heart does not hurt right now and not one tear has been shed. I think the time has finally come that I can honestly say, I am done, and mean it.

*Now for all of those that still have Hope or think that me ending my journey now is the missing link that will jinx us, let me put this out there. My body DID just spontaneously ovulate on its own, so there IS that possibility right now. That being said, it will be no heartbreak for me if the mean old witch shows in a couple weeks. NONE!*

Bikini Transformation Update

It has been two months since I set a goal of by June of next year I will have competed in a Bikini & Physique Competition. I have been incorporating various forms of exercises to keep from getting bored. (and what I can fit into my schedule) Yoga, walking ~3.5 miles 3 times a week, Brazilian Butt Lift, Insanity Workout, 30 Day Shred, and Bowflex. I get bored easily. :) I am now up to working out 5 times a week. Posting my measurements so I can see where I am progressing. Here is a reminder of what my starting measurements were.

Measurements for 6/2/2012:

• Starting weight- 127.2 lbs.
• Neck- 12 1/2"
• Left Bicep-10 1/2"
• Right Bicep- 11"
• Bust- 35"
• Chest- 30"
• Waist- 29 3/4"
• Hips- 36"
• Left Thigh- 20 1/2"
• Right Thigh- 20 1/2"
• Left Calf- 12 1/2"
• Right Calf- 12 1/2"

And now measurements for 8/9/12:

      ~ Weight- 127.1 (stayed the same, but had some yo-yo weight loss/gain)
      ~ Neck- 12 1/2" (stayed the same)

      ~ Left Bicep-11" (+1/2")
      ~ Right Bicep- 11" (stayed the same, definitely can see more muscle definition)

      ~ Bust- 34 1/2" (-1/2") :(
      ~ Chest- 30 1/2" (+1/2")

      ~ Waist- 29 3/4" (stayed the same)
      ~ Hips- 35 1/2" (-1/2") 

      ~ Left Thigh- 20 1/2" (stayed the same)
      ~ Right Thigh- 20 1/2" (stayed the same)
      ~ Left Calf- 12 3/4" (+1/4")

      ~ Right Calf- 12 3/4" (+1/4")

Overall, feeling very fit, still drinking my one mocha a day, eating right, but need to work on getting more water throughout the day.