Laying it all out there

I have been MIA for many reasons, the main one...I have been in an emotional funk. The next reason I haven't posted is for fear of being judged. A little recap over the last few months. 2010 brought me a total of 2 cycles of ovulation, and that is it! I grew tired of sitting back and doing nothing with my cycles, except the inducing of Aunt Flow every 30-45 days with Provera. So, I took the plunge and ordered Clomid unprescribed. Judge me if you must, but I just don't give a crap anymore. My baby making years are drawing to an end VERY quickly, and I am tired of doing nothing. I have done extensive research on side effects, dosage, MY risks that pertain to my unique situation, etc. I felt confident enough to know what I was doing.

Fast forward to my first Clomid cycle. I took 50mgs on cycle days 8-12, just because that is when I received them and I didn't want to wait out that cycle, (however long my body decided it wanted that one to be) only to have to induce Aunt Flow again with Provera, and wait some more. I'm tired of waiting! That cycle went very well, almost textbook. I had absolutely NO side effects, ovulation occured 10 days after my last Clomid dose. Everything was looking so positive. Well except I didn't get my positive pregnancy test. No worries as I was just ecstatic that the minimum dosage of Clomid worked for me!!

Cycle #2 of Clomid I did the same dosage but on days 3-7, figuring it worked great the first go round, why mess with what is working? Except this time, it didn't work as well. It took me 13 days after my last dose to ovulate, which of course sent my emotions haywire. Will Clomid be like everything else I have tried in that it only works the first time and nothing more afterwards? Should I have increased my dosage? I had all kinds of doubts and questions running through my head. 

We timed intercourse very well, thank you to my wonderful hubby who knows how much this means to me and is a very willing participant in that area. It has come to a point now that all I have to say is, "That window is open, you are on the hook again." Tadda! Had I known this before I could've just said that instead of trying to seduce him to only be denied, to crying and feeling like he is not on board with expanding our family. It left for some pretty crappy nights. Once I told him of my motives of the seducing, he was way more willing to do HIS part, being what I have been through just to get my body to ovulate. Yay!

Back to Clomid cycle #2. I don't think I have ever mentioned it in any of my previous posts, but I am a Pee On A Stick (POAS) addict! Some of you will understand this, others will think I am nuts. That is ok, because as I look at it from an outsider's view, I AM a bit nuts. Who cares? :) I don't get a chance at pregnancy or even the possibility of pregnancy very often so who cares if I piss away (literally) a few bucks?! I started POAS at 7 days past ovulation with internet cheapie pregnancy tests I bought off of Amazon. Why did I start POAS so early? Well because I had 20 pregnancy tests in my drawer, I'm a POAS addict and because I could. :) Well wouldn't you know it, I saw lines. I saw them everywhere! I felt like that kid in The Sixth Sense who could see dead people, except mine were lines. Each day that passed, I peed on another one or two. Again more lines, albeit super faint, and very hard to distinguish if they were pink or grey. For those who don't know, evaps are pretty common and can be mistaken for a positive. The only difference in an evap line and a real second line is color. Evaps tend to be grey, real positives will have color. So as each day passed, I swear the lines (again albeit still VERY faint) were gradually getting darker. I thought I was seeing things so I posted pics for my fellow TTC supporters to analyze. Much to my surprise, they all saw the lines too!

11 days past ovulation I was mentioning to my husband that I am so hungry but nothing sounds good, nothing! With a very serious look on his face he says, "You're pregnant." I felt that was my opening to share with him about the faint, faint lines I was getting. There in lies my mistake. I have purposely kept my husband in the dark about alot of stuff regarding TTC, so as to not put unnecessary pressure on him to perform. I also do it to keep him from getting his hopes up. It was bad enough that I was already doing the Am I or Aren't I discussions in my head, I didn't want to let my husband down. The next day I peed on a Dollar Store pregnancy test and one of the internet cheapies. The dollar store test was a VERY convincing line, was pink in color, everything. 

 

*12 Days Past Ovulation-First Morning Urine*

Blue strip test is the Dollar Store Cheapie, pink strip is the internet cheapie

So that morning I told my husband that the line is still very faint but is definitely darker, with the hopes that the next day I could use my digital pregnancy test and read those precious words, Pregnant. Remember, when I said I keep my husband in the dark? This is why. This was his Facebook status update for that day:

"shhhhh.... theres a faint second line, will it get bolder?"

In fact it did not get bolder, but instead the following morning I woke to a huge temp drop and Aunt Flow showed, 2 days early. Screw you bitch! Needless to say this left me kicking myself in the ass for even saying anything to him. Because I could see the disappointment in his face when he heard that the lines would not be getting bolder. So instead of celebrating a positive test I am now left wondering, did I have a chemical pregnancy or were those evaps? I won't ever know but in my heart I want to believe they were evaps.

Clomid cycle #3, I have decided to go ahead an increase my dosage to 75mgs, taken on cycle days 3-7 again. I am on day 3 of 5 and the side effects have officially hit me. Hot flashes, dizziness, nausea, emotional as all get up and blurred vision (as if my vision wasn't shitty enough) are what I have been dealing with these days. Still very tolerable, especially if it does what it is intended to do, make me ovulate. My game plan this cycle is of course, well timed intercourse, Natural Progesterone Cream (NPC) during my luteal phase (as I suspect and always have that I have low progesterone levels) and wishing and hoping that it works this time. I plan on taking a Clomid break for one cycle after this one, and then resume my last 3 cycles afterwards.

I hope with everything that this cycle brings me my Big Fat Positive.