The time has come....

to put my trying to conceive journey to an end. It appears as though 100mgs of Clomid this cycle did nothing for my body as far as making it ovulate. Hubby and I have had another one of our long discussions, in regards to being done with trying, and I feel my heart is not in a good place right now and hasn't been for quite a while. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want the artificial hormones flowing through my body, I don't want to be acting like a certifiable loony person because I can't keep my emotions in check (due to said artificial hormones) but most importantly, I don't want to put my husband and family through this anymore. I can't. My husband is fully supportive of my decisions, whichever they may be. He has left it up to me to decide what I want to do. For now I want to be done. I'll still temp, so I know if I ovulate on my own or not, so I know when to bring on a period with Provera. But as far as taking meds to ovulate and taking meds to try to fix my cycles, I'm done. I think I need some time to rid my body of all of these hormones and get my emotions back under control. I need to find myself again and return to my happy state that trying to conceive for almost 4 years has robbed from me.

We haven't told family/friends yet of our decision and honestly I don't even know how to. The one that is going to be the worst emotionally is telling my mother-in-law. She has been extremely supportive despite all of her little comments of, "When is it going to be Laura's turn to get pregnant?" or "When are you going to give me a grandson?" She has followed my journey and cried tears with me along the way. So to tell her that we are putting this to an end, will crush her as much as it is/has been crushing me.

I want to thank all of you for your support along the way. It has meant a great deal to me. I wish my journey had ended a better way, with a greater result, but I can't walk away from this without seeing the positives. I have helped MANY women throughout my 4 year journey, helped them to discover things about their body, provided support for them and the knowledge they needed to achieve their goals of expanding their family. I feel very accomplished.

Onto the next one!

So after getting what appeared to be a very faint shadow line on a pregnancy test, the (expected) unexpected happened. The dreaded witch showed up, two days early. Which means the line on the test must have been another evap. I am growing to hate testing each cycle as I swear I can see lines on just about every test I take. They are such a thrill to do in the first place though. I compare them to scratch it lottery tickets. You wait eagerly to see if you are a winner, with suspense rising with each passing second until you get to the realization that it was a complete waste of time and money and you want to rip it up and toss it in the trash to never be seen again. Yep, THAT is how I feel with pregnancy tests. I love the thrill and excitement of watching the dye pass through the test but once it comes time to realizing it is negative, first denial sets in. (that is when the subject then passes by every light source in the house hoping to see a second line pop up) Then when aunt flow shows or acceptance that it was negative, you become angry that you even let your mind go there. That's where I am at, and oddly enough I am not upset that this month yet again, resulted in no pregnancy, but that I started early! With this cycle's confusing temps and ovulation day, even that doesn't surprise me though.

So, onto the next cycle, 100mgs of Clomid this time, starting tomorrow. I still have to call my dr today to have them call in my script and then I will yet again, confirm my dosage just to be sure we're both on the same page this time. Here's to hoping that 100mgs makes me ovulate sooner and the side effects are mild this time.

Isn't that how it always goes?

Just when I give up all Hope, my body plays a cruel trick just so it can say, "Neener neener, gotcha!" As of my last blog post, ovulation was unclear as my temps are just not as they used to be. Usually I have a fallback rise, where one temp goes over the coverline, the next day it falls back down, then the following day it spikes up and stays up. So imagine how confusing it is when your body decides to switch things up on you and do a slow rise. Slow rises are just that, they slowly rise, usually .1 degree for a few days, THEN you see a temp spike. As seen in my chart above. Now the beginning of this cycle was full of pain, TMJ pain, headaches/migraines and even more pain. That is why all of those temps are X'd out. So it wasn't until I disturbed those temps and added my positive Ovulation Predictor Kit result, that I got confirmation of ovulation.

Having ovulated now changes the game plans. I faxed my charts to my doctor on Cycle day 28, as per his request and he confirmed ovulation has taken place when my chart says it did. I am now to ride out the rest of this luteal phase and wait for my period. If no period, then of course proceed with a pregnancy test and we'll go from there. If I do start then I will call back and we will bump up my dose to 150mgs. I questioned that dose as usually Clomid is bumped up by 50mg increments, and I am currently on 50mgs. Which led to an interesting conversation. 

Last cycle there was a miscommunication problem which led me to taking 50mgs, instead of the 100mgs my doctor wanted me at. So we proceeded with that cycle. So when this cycle came to be and it was time for my next Clomid round, I was kept at 50mgs, since I ovulated, although later then what is typical with Clomid. When I got to the pharmacy this time, they tried giving me 100mgs, in which I explained that no I was supposed to have 50mgs. (deja vu of the second go round) It was fixed with the pharmacy and I got my 50mgs. I left the store and immediately called my dr to confirm, yep 50mgs. So when the nurse told me we were bumping it up to 150mgs, that is why. In their system they have me as having taken 100mgs these last two cycles! Hopefully this will be the end of this communication issue and we all are now on the same page.

Game plan now is, 100mgs of Clomid cycle days 3-7 and hope for the best! My husband is actually off the hook for his semen analysis this cycle as my doctor first wants me to get ovulating earlier, so we can have a chance at conception. That bummed me out honestly. I was so hoping to sit this cycle out!! I wanted the pressure to be off of me, just for one month. I wanted to live carefree and not have to piss on sticks, check when I most fertile and hope hubby has enough energy to be able to perform when the time is needed. *Sigh I will keep pushing further, but something inside of me is shouting, "I just want to be done!!!!"

Redbook's No Shame Campaign Infertility Awareness

It is refreshing to see more and more people "coming out" about their infertility struggles. Below are just a few videos of the many that have been submitted by celebrities, women and men discussing their struggles with infertility. Since infertility is such an isolating experience, it is a fantastic feeling (as much as it can be knowing others are struggling and hurting as much as you are) that you are not alone in the feelings and emotions that come with infertility.

http://www.redbookmag.com/infertility-video-series/#v1212312917001

A husband's perspective of Male Factor Infertility.

http://www.redbookmag.com/infertility-video-series/#v1223230329001
Another husband's perspective of infertility.  

http://www.redbookmag.com/infertility-video-series/#v1212096718001

MANY great points in this video and tips to be a great support for someone suffering with Infertility.

http://www.redbookmag.com/infertility-video-series/#v1212096718001
I personally can relate to A LOT of the struggles that this woman has gone through.

http://www.redbookmag.com/infertility-video-series/#v1223222300001

Sherri Shepherd keeps her humor while sharing her struggles with infertility. 

To watch more videos and submit your own, you can go HERE.

Well, well, well.....

isn't that how the cookie crumbles? Since my last post I did decide to give Clomid another try and all seemed to be going well. It appeared as though I was gearing up to ovulate, just like clockwork. (MY clock work anyways) That was, until it was time for the temp shift, and there was no rise. Not even a tiny one, nope, instead my temp went down. So did my level of Hope. Each day I have been waiting for my temp to shoot up and with each passing day I am getting more and more discouraged. I am now on cycle day 24, 17 days past my last Clomid dose. I need to get out of my denial stage and face the music that this cycle is a bust. Even with my apprehensions of wanting to move forward with this cycle, I was still hoping to have at least half a chance. Not this time. So plan is at this point to wait this cycle out for a few more days in which I will then fax my charts to my dr, he will determine if I ovulated or not (but at this point it doesn't even take an experienced chart reader to know I haven't) and I will without a doubt, have to start Provera to induce a period. Next cycle I am sitting it out!!!! I need a break, a break emotionally, from artificial hormones in my body and time for all of these hormones to LEAVE my body. My husband is now going to get to experience just a bit of what I have gone through in the last 3 and a half years! Testing!!! (haha, love you baby!) He is very reluctant of any testing, so I know this is going to be like pulling teeth from a gator. Although what he doesn't realize is, this test won't be painful one bit. Oh no, far from that actually! His test actually involves pleasure, go figure! At this point, after hubby's sperm analysis, I don't know where we will be going after that. The game plan was to do 3 cycles of Clomid, in which I ovulate (we have 2 out of 3, so a good start???) then if no pregnancy we will have hubby tested. So, it is all a guessing game of where we will be going next, until I talk with my doctor in 4 days. I have a feeling this was my last cycle on Clomid before we turn to Femara. I have major apprehensions about Femara and pursuing further infertility meds and costs. I guess we will cross that bridge once we get here. In the meantime, I am just passing the time until I find out my next steps.

Just let me be sad for a moment

Another cycle down, another failed attempt at getting pregnant. I'm actually surprised that I ovulated at all this cycle and if it wasn't for the Royal Jelly supplementation midway through my cycle, I probably wouldn't have. My temps were extremely slow to rise this time so it wasn't until I was already 8 days past ovulation that my chart looked like I had ovulated. Pretty sweet when you want that two week wait to fly by. Except now it has led me to a whole bunch of feelings. Feelings of, I don't want to do this anymore. I am tempted to NOT call my dr this morning to get another Clomid script, but instead to just put my journey behind me. It is too painful at times to want to continue this month after month, year after year. 

I dislike that I am feeling this way, almost defeated, right at a time that I have FINALLY found a dr willing to work with me. What the hell?!?! The game plan was to do 3 cycles of Clomid, responding to the Clomid by ovulating (which so far I have) then if no pregnancy then we will have hubby tested. Since we know the problems lie within me, I see that as a wasted test, but if it will help to rule some things out, by all means. I have just lost my mojo to go any further in my journey. 

We (hubby and I) have discussed putting our journey on a time frame, and if no pregnancy by then, then we will just accept our fate and move on knowing we have had the opportunity to raise two wonderful, intelligent girls. I'm pretty sure we decided on 33 being the magic number for us. Being I just celebrated my 32nd birthday, that leaves us a year to conceive. I'm brought back to those feelings of, there is NO way my well being will be able to do this for another year. Hell, I don't know if I could handle another cycle of this roller coaster of emotions, heartache, let downs, etc. But there is that nagging desire within me that says, keep on going, you can do this.

A Long Over Due Update

Wow, yes it has been a super long time since I have last posted anything. Why? Well, because I have been busy and have had a lot going on in my life. Since my last post, I had weekly counseling sessions that in the end seemed to be a complete waste of my time as the only thing the counselor was doing was confirming and agreeing with my feelings and feeding me the same 'remedies' that I have already been doing for the last 2 years. Sorry but distancing myself from other pregnant women is what I've been trying to do all along. *insert eye roll here* So needless to say I was finding more support and more of an outlet through my blog then I did with her. Next!

Endocrinologist.....met up with him, and all seemed wonderful. He was very interested in finding out what was going on with my body. Which is great, but I already knew going in that I have PCOS, at that time it was unmanaged and I needed it managed! So, we went through the whole slew of testing because even the Endo. had doubts that I truly have PCOS because I don't fit the typical PCOS mold. I am not overweight, (although I struggle daily to maintain my current weight)  I do not have the excess facial hair growth or balding spots (yet!) on my head, or the telltale skin tags that all come along with PCOS. So I went along with the testing. Blood work shows that my testosterone levels are great (which explains why I don't have the manly facial hair going on or the hair loss) and I do not have insulin resistance. (which now explains WHY Metformin never worked for me)  My estrogen levels were super low and my FSH:LH ratio is typical of someone with PCOS. So, final diagnosis: Atypical PCOS. Remedy: go back to your primary dr for anything further, no treatment available at this time. (this was after I asked him if he could write me a Clomid script) Thanks buddy! My primary dr is the very same jackass who told me that I wouldn't find ANY dr to prescribe me Clomid. Great, back to square one! 

Between the discouraging news from my Endo. and the feeling like he was my last straw, at that point I got into the mindset that I was DONE trying. Just done. I thought of ALL of the positives of us stopping trying and just ran with it. It helped to ease the hurt I was constantly feeling. So when the questions of, "Are you guys still trying?" came up, I was able to proudly say, "Nope, I'm DONE!" Boy, I never knew what kind of response I was in for but it took me by surprise to hear from a few in real life people, that THEY were relieved! WTF!?!? Really? YOU are relieved that I have given up my journey of expanding my family? Fuck the fact that my heart is hurting, my journey in my head and heart has come to an end, without an end result and YOU are relieved? Fuck off! Some people never cease to amaze me at what they feel is 'helpful support'.

Feeling discouraged, again, I decided to bust out my one last resort dr. (my old OB, the one who I saw for prenatal care while pregnant with Emma) since I was due for my annual exam in July. I decided now that I am insured again to give him a call, now knowing that he specializes in infertility. (wish I had known this years ago!) Got an appointment set up with him, very promptly I may add, and got my annual exam done. While I was in there we discussed all of the findings since I had seen him last, including the septate uterus and PCOS Dx. I keep a copy of ALL of my dr paperwork, labs, etc with me which was handy as he was able to take a look at my 'chart' and know exactly what had taken place since our last visit. First thing he says to me after hearing about the PCOS Dx is, "Well we've gotta get you ovulating if you're ever going to get pregnant. I'm going to prescribe you Clomid." Oh my, I seriously think I heard angels sing at that very moment! That was what I had been waiting to hear for the last 4 years!!!! I questioned my septate uterus and if he felt comfortable enough prescribing me Clomid now knowing that I have that. He told me that "It is merely a piece of tissue, you will not be any higher risk then what you are already are. (I have a history of pre-term labor/birth) The only risk that it brings for you is if the baby implants on the tissue, the pregnancy wouldn't last." Now that I already knew. 

His way of monitoring me is instead of the typical ultrasounds and blood work on cycle day X, I am to continue to chart my temps and fax him my chart at CD 28, so he can read my temp charts and see if we need to up the dose for next cycle. Which means......I have FINALLY found a dr who is familiar with FAM and knows how to read charts! OH MY GOODNESS!! This is HUGE to me. I have spent the last 4+ years coming across dr's who know NOTHING about FAM (Fertility Awareness Method) let alone know how to read a chart. 

I made him very aware that I have bought Clomid from overseas and I had been taking that for my previous cycles. I was concerned with the max number of cycles one is allowed to take Clomid and how many he was prescribing me for. (even with the previous cycles of taking Clomid) He told me that he was not considering the previous Clomid use since he was not certain about its potency and quality and that we would completely disregard and not count that I had taken it before. His plan is 3 cycles of Clomid, in which I respond, then if after that no pregnancy, then we will have hubby tested. Of course, hubby is NOT fond of this but in the grand scheme of things I'd honestly prefer to have HIS test then the next on the list for me! At least his comes with some satisfaction in the end! :) 

We're now on Cycle #2 of prescribed Clomid, the first I responded to great, but not until 12 days past my last dose. My OB wants to see me ovulating 10 days or sooner past my last dose. Unfortunately due to a communication error with this current cycle, I am still on 50mgs when I was supposed to be upped to 100mgs. This has now made me doubt whether or not this cycle is going to produce anything. Once I reached the 5 days past my last dose and saw no signs of impending ovulation, I started back on the Royal Jelly that I took previous cycles. (information on that may be an upcoming post) So far, it seems to be helping! Since starting back on the Royal Jelly, my body is trying dam hard to ovulate! I think the Clomid and RJ is a great combination for me.

Ok, now you're caught up!