The time has come....

to put my trying to conceive journey to an end. It appears as though 100mgs of Clomid this cycle did nothing for my body as far as making it ovulate. Hubby and I have had another one of our long discussions, in regards to being done with trying, and I feel my heart is not in a good place right now and hasn't been for quite a while. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want the artificial hormones flowing through my body, I don't want to be acting like a certifiable loony person because I can't keep my emotions in check (due to said artificial hormones) but most importantly, I don't want to put my husband and family through this anymore. I can't. My husband is fully supportive of my decisions, whichever they may be. He has left it up to me to decide what I want to do. For now I want to be done. I'll still temp, so I know if I ovulate on my own or not, so I know when to bring on a period with Provera. But as far as taking meds to ovulate and taking meds to try to fix my cycles, I'm done. I think I need some time to rid my body of all of these hormones and get my emotions back under control. I need to find myself again and return to my happy state that trying to conceive for almost 4 years has robbed from me.

We haven't told family/friends yet of our decision and honestly I don't even know how to. The one that is going to be the worst emotionally is telling my mother-in-law. She has been extremely supportive despite all of her little comments of, "When is it going to be Laura's turn to get pregnant?" or "When are you going to give me a grandson?" She has followed my journey and cried tears with me along the way. So to tell her that we are putting this to an end, will crush her as much as it is/has been crushing me.

I want to thank all of you for your support along the way. It has meant a great deal to me. I wish my journey had ended a better way, with a greater result, but I can't walk away from this without seeing the positives. I have helped MANY women throughout my 4 year journey, helped them to discover things about their body, provided support for them and the knowledge they needed to achieve their goals of expanding their family. I feel very accomplished.

Well, well, well.....

isn't that how the cookie crumbles? Since my last post I did decide to give Clomid another try and all seemed to be going well. It appeared as though I was gearing up to ovulate, just like clockwork. (MY clock work anyways) That was, until it was time for the temp shift, and there was no rise. Not even a tiny one, nope, instead my temp went down. So did my level of Hope. Each day I have been waiting for my temp to shoot up and with each passing day I am getting more and more discouraged. I am now on cycle day 24, 17 days past my last Clomid dose. I need to get out of my denial stage and face the music that this cycle is a bust. Even with my apprehensions of wanting to move forward with this cycle, I was still hoping to have at least half a chance. Not this time. So plan is at this point to wait this cycle out for a few more days in which I will then fax my charts to my dr, he will determine if I ovulated or not (but at this point it doesn't even take an experienced chart reader to know I haven't) and I will without a doubt, have to start Provera to induce a period. Next cycle I am sitting it out!!!! I need a break, a break emotionally, from artificial hormones in my body and time for all of these hormones to LEAVE my body. My husband is now going to get to experience just a bit of what I have gone through in the last 3 and a half years! Testing!!! (haha, love you baby!) He is very reluctant of any testing, so I know this is going to be like pulling teeth from a gator. Although what he doesn't realize is, this test won't be painful one bit. Oh no, far from that actually! His test actually involves pleasure, go figure! At this point, after hubby's sperm analysis, I don't know where we will be going after that. The game plan was to do 3 cycles of Clomid, in which I ovulate (we have 2 out of 3, so a good start???) then if no pregnancy we will have hubby tested. So, it is all a guessing game of where we will be going next, until I talk with my doctor in 4 days. I have a feeling this was my last cycle on Clomid before we turn to Femara. I have major apprehensions about Femara and pursuing further infertility meds and costs. I guess we will cross that bridge once we get here. In the meantime, I am just passing the time until I find out my next steps.

A Long Over Due Update

Wow, yes it has been a super long time since I have last posted anything. Why? Well, because I have been busy and have had a lot going on in my life. Since my last post, I had weekly counseling sessions that in the end seemed to be a complete waste of my time as the only thing the counselor was doing was confirming and agreeing with my feelings and feeding me the same 'remedies' that I have already been doing for the last 2 years. Sorry but distancing myself from other pregnant women is what I've been trying to do all along. *insert eye roll here* So needless to say I was finding more support and more of an outlet through my blog then I did with her. Next!

Endocrinologist.....met up with him, and all seemed wonderful. He was very interested in finding out what was going on with my body. Which is great, but I already knew going in that I have PCOS, at that time it was unmanaged and I needed it managed! So, we went through the whole slew of testing because even the Endo. had doubts that I truly have PCOS because I don't fit the typical PCOS mold. I am not overweight, (although I struggle daily to maintain my current weight)  I do not have the excess facial hair growth or balding spots (yet!) on my head, or the telltale skin tags that all come along with PCOS. So I went along with the testing. Blood work shows that my testosterone levels are great (which explains why I don't have the manly facial hair going on or the hair loss) and I do not have insulin resistance. (which now explains WHY Metformin never worked for me)  My estrogen levels were super low and my FSH:LH ratio is typical of someone with PCOS. So, final diagnosis: Atypical PCOS. Remedy: go back to your primary dr for anything further, no treatment available at this time. (this was after I asked him if he could write me a Clomid script) Thanks buddy! My primary dr is the very same jackass who told me that I wouldn't find ANY dr to prescribe me Clomid. Great, back to square one! 

Between the discouraging news from my Endo. and the feeling like he was my last straw, at that point I got into the mindset that I was DONE trying. Just done. I thought of ALL of the positives of us stopping trying and just ran with it. It helped to ease the hurt I was constantly feeling. So when the questions of, "Are you guys still trying?" came up, I was able to proudly say, "Nope, I'm DONE!" Boy, I never knew what kind of response I was in for but it took me by surprise to hear from a few in real life people, that THEY were relieved! WTF!?!? Really? YOU are relieved that I have given up my journey of expanding my family? Fuck the fact that my heart is hurting, my journey in my head and heart has come to an end, without an end result and YOU are relieved? Fuck off! Some people never cease to amaze me at what they feel is 'helpful support'.

Feeling discouraged, again, I decided to bust out my one last resort dr. (my old OB, the one who I saw for prenatal care while pregnant with Emma) since I was due for my annual exam in July. I decided now that I am insured again to give him a call, now knowing that he specializes in infertility. (wish I had known this years ago!) Got an appointment set up with him, very promptly I may add, and got my annual exam done. While I was in there we discussed all of the findings since I had seen him last, including the septate uterus and PCOS Dx. I keep a copy of ALL of my dr paperwork, labs, etc with me which was handy as he was able to take a look at my 'chart' and know exactly what had taken place since our last visit. First thing he says to me after hearing about the PCOS Dx is, "Well we've gotta get you ovulating if you're ever going to get pregnant. I'm going to prescribe you Clomid." Oh my, I seriously think I heard angels sing at that very moment! That was what I had been waiting to hear for the last 4 years!!!! I questioned my septate uterus and if he felt comfortable enough prescribing me Clomid now knowing that I have that. He told me that "It is merely a piece of tissue, you will not be any higher risk then what you are already are. (I have a history of pre-term labor/birth) The only risk that it brings for you is if the baby implants on the tissue, the pregnancy wouldn't last." Now that I already knew. 

His way of monitoring me is instead of the typical ultrasounds and blood work on cycle day X, I am to continue to chart my temps and fax him my chart at CD 28, so he can read my temp charts and see if we need to up the dose for next cycle. Which means......I have FINALLY found a dr who is familiar with FAM and knows how to read charts! OH MY GOODNESS!! This is HUGE to me. I have spent the last 4+ years coming across dr's who know NOTHING about FAM (Fertility Awareness Method) let alone know how to read a chart. 

I made him very aware that I have bought Clomid from overseas and I had been taking that for my previous cycles. I was concerned with the max number of cycles one is allowed to take Clomid and how many he was prescribing me for. (even with the previous cycles of taking Clomid) He told me that he was not considering the previous Clomid use since he was not certain about its potency and quality and that we would completely disregard and not count that I had taken it before. His plan is 3 cycles of Clomid, in which I respond, then if after that no pregnancy, then we will have hubby tested. Of course, hubby is NOT fond of this but in the grand scheme of things I'd honestly prefer to have HIS test then the next on the list for me! At least his comes with some satisfaction in the end! :) 

We're now on Cycle #2 of prescribed Clomid, the first I responded to great, but not until 12 days past my last dose. My OB wants to see me ovulating 10 days or sooner past my last dose. Unfortunately due to a communication error with this current cycle, I am still on 50mgs when I was supposed to be upped to 100mgs. This has now made me doubt whether or not this cycle is going to produce anything. Once I reached the 5 days past my last dose and saw no signs of impending ovulation, I started back on the Royal Jelly that I took previous cycles. (information on that may be an upcoming post) So far, it seems to be helping! Since starting back on the Royal Jelly, my body is trying dam hard to ovulate! I think the Clomid and RJ is a great combination for me.

Ok, now you're caught up!

Ultrasounds, Tests and Results...Oh My!!

I know it has been awhile since I have last updated, but between life, dr's appointments, death in the family, computers dying,......sigh, it's been alot!

So, I have had my TSH (Thyroid Stimulating Hormone) tested and even though my symptoms all point to HYPOthyroid, (too MUCH) it came back on the low end of normal, .53, but would indicate HYPERthyroidism. (too LITTLE) So, we're not treating it, but instead will monitor it and have it rechecked in a few months.

My old doctor retired, :'( and I finally got my appointment with the new practice. There are several MD's within this practice and I saw a NP. (Nurse Practioner) WTF?!?! So pretty much all she did is confirm 1) that I don't want to go back to HER, 2)my 5 months waiting to get seen was waste of time. I wanted lab work ran, like all of my hormones, etc. She completely dismissed it as being too expensive. I asked for Clomid, she said it is out of her scope of practice and that I would have to see an OB or a fertility specialist. I DID however get an ultrasound to SEE what is going on inside there and a script for Provera so I can induce AF, instead of going months and months without one.

My ultrasound....very interesting stuff. Kidneys and liver look good. Uterus is tilted, which I already knew. What I didn't know is that I have a Bicornuate Uterus. Which means, instead of my uterus being round and smooth at the top, mine is separated into two chambers and looks like a heart. WTH?!?! All of these years, and I had NO idea that I had that. My right horn (as the radiologist kept calling it) is much bigger then the left, and she said most likely is the one that "homed" both of my girls. Isn't it pretty?

The heart shaped object in the center is my uterus. The right horn is much bigger then the left due to that is where both of my girls hung out during their stays. Notice the deep separation, separating my uterus into two, making it much smaller then a normal uterus.

The scary part about a Bicornuate Unterus is, it can cause miscarriages, if the baby implants on the smaller side. It may not be an early miscarriage either. It could cause growth restriction problems, (due to no space to grow) and cause a late term miscarriage, preterm births and breech babies. Interesting thing is, my oldest daughter was born 8 weeks preemie and was breech and we never had a reason as to why!! She was breech throughout the whole pregnancy, and now I know why!! She didn't have any room to turn head down!! Of course this revelation now makes any future pregnancies high risk and will have to be closely monitored for growth problems and proper placement.

Ovaries are enlarged, but not too much so, and are COVERED in immature follicles. So much so, she didn't even count how many. So, this pretty much confirms it, PCOS (PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome) it is. There was no fibroids or ovarian cysts, so that is good.

As far as I know, next step in PCOS protocol since I'm already on Metformin (for insulin resistance) is either Birth Control Pills (if NOT Trying To Conceive) to try to shrink the cysts or Clomid to induce ovulation. I feel like I am hitting a brick wall with getting the Clomid though. I have seen 2 different docs in the last 6 months hoping to get a script for Clomid, but both have said it is out of their scope of practice. Why is it so difficult to get a script for it, when it is so obvious it is what I NEED?

I WANT to get in to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist, but the nearest one to me is OVER 3 hours away, one way. That and since I am not insured, everything is out of pocket for me. At this point, we're just not prepared to go into debt to get my body figured out. I did a search the other day for OB's in my area who specialize in infertility and there was 1 that popped up. Coincidentally, it was MY last OB!! :) So, if this doc I'm seeing in August can't help me any further, I guess I will be making an appointment with my old OB.

So the game plan is as follows. I am on CD 84, still no ovulation and on my 9th day of 10, of Provera to induce a period. After AF leaves, on CD 10 I will be taking one dose of Folliculinum, and again waiting (and crossing fingers) for ovulation.

Meds/Herbals for next cycle: 

Vitamin D, 2,000 iu/day

Calcium, 1,000 mg/day

Metformin, 500 mg/BID

Liquid B Complex 1/day

Kelp, 325 mg/day

Fish Oil, 300 mg/day

Folliculinum, CD 10 only

Provera, *if no Ovulation, CD's 35-45